1.
Don't ask me if I've seen a new movie. I have four little girls. If there wasn't a singing princess in it, the answer is no.
2.
4: Mommy, you're just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend. Me: Aww! Sure! 4:You can be the Beast. Me: ... 4: Or the fat sea witch!
3.
8yo: On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me 5 golden 6: BUTTS 8: 4 calling 6: BUTTS 8: 3 French 6: BUTTS 8: MOMMYYYYY
4.
[At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it's 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*
5.
Daughter: You're invading my personal space Mom: You came out of my personal space
6.
*5yo climbing on my chair Me: "Be careful! I don't want want you to spill my wine. ...Oh I also don't want you to get hurt or whatever."
7.
Parenting is like being a juggler except all the balls are screaming.
8.
KID: Why's the sky blue DAD: It's sad MOM: Light refraction DAD: … MOM: … DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
9.
I let my toddler dress herself. She's wearing a cupcake.
10.
Pro tip: If you enthusiastically sing along, your kids will stop asking you to take them to musicals.
11.
That awful moment when your kid asks to watch "Anal-stasia" and you're not sure if it's a cute mistake or if she saw your browser history.
12.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me? *I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can't remember my son's name
13.
Me: Let's eat chicken nuggets. [one kid cries] Me: How about pizza? [other kid cries] Me: Spaghetti? [both kids cry] We have a winner.
14.
I can either put my kids through college or pay for one hour of Internet on a plane. Being an adult is hard.
15.
teen son: 'cause the boyz n the hood are always hard /u come talkin that trash we'll pull your card mom: take out the trash & mow the yard.
16.
Movie tickets: $37 Snacks: $32 Listening to two five year olds bitch to go home for half the movie: priceless
17.
Dad, can I tell a story? Sure. *47 plotless minutes later* Okay, wrap it up. *15 minutes later* Okay, honey. *24 minutes later* Okaaay, swe
18.
I cut the crust off my daughter's PB&J and I swear to god I heard her whisper that I'm her bitch now.
19.
Me: "You kids aren't getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!" Grandma: "Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing."
20.
Who are we? KIDS What do we want? OATMEAL When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON'T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
21.
[5:45 AM, in a harsh whisper] Daddy, don't worry, you can sleep. I'm making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the oven? Me: I'm up.
22.
"AND I AM DEFINITELY NOT CLEANING THESE LEGOS UP...!" Me, as I'm cleaning the Legos up.
23.
Most of being a parent means saying "Great!!" when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
24.
Mom: *tastefully decorates house* Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED