The 23 Most Mortifying Milestones On Your Way To Womanhood

Because most of your growing up happens when you’re busy wishing you could disappear.

1. The horror of first-time bra shopping.

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2. When your friends got their period before you did.

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And you seriously, genuinely doubted your femaleness for a while.

3. The mixture of relief and panic when you finally got yours.

4. Your first attempt to follow tampon instructions.

With your best friend shouting words of encouragement from outside the bathroom door.

5. When you finally figured out how you’re supposed to wear your hair.

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And you realized you’ve looked kinda like a hedgehog for the last 20 years.

6. The first time someone else’s tongue was in your mouth.

And instead of seeing sparks, you were preoccupied tasting the remnants of their breakfast burrito.

7. When you started wearing makeup and weren’t yet good at it.

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So you spent a year of your life being mistaken for a clown.

8. When someone put hot wax on your eyebrows and then ripped them off your face.

Not only did you yelp at a crowded salon, but your forehead was also bright red for the next two hours.

9. That one night you had an unprompted sex dream about your best friend.

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And you had to keep pretending nothing had changed even though everything had changed. Forever.

10. The moment you stopped being able to always tell your dad everything.

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Mostly because he didn’t want to know the gory details of your adolescence. And who can blame him?

11. When you realized panty lines were a thing and opted into having a permanent wedgie instead.

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12. The first time you fell head-over-heels, batshit insane, stalker-level “in like” with someone.

13. And then you were rejected by this person you had decided was the love of your life.

14. The first time you chickened out of having sex.

15. Aaaand the first time you didn’t.


16. When “home” stopped being your parents’ house.

17. The first time mom and dad came to visit, and you hid away all your condoms and Cosmos in one drawer of grown-up paraphernalia.

18. When you started lying to your mom about your finances, just so she wouldn’t worry.

19. The small talk you made with the cashier while buying a pregnancy test.

When you ended up buying a pack of gum too, in a feeble attempt to diffuse your mortification.

20. Every time you drunk-dialed your ex.

So many marriage proposals left via voicemail at 4 a.m.

21. When you started choosing nights in over nights out and couldn’t figure out why.

22. The simultaneous thrill and terror when you looked in a mirror one morning and actually found yourself attractive.

Perhaps you’ve escaped your awkward stage after all.

23. And that time you spent an entire year of your life with this song on repeat. Happy singalong, girls.

Did I say girls? I meant women.

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