28 Important New Year's Resolutions Every Twentysomething Should Make

Repeat after me: I will stop being a shitshow.

1. I will stop posting incriminating pictures of myself on the World Wide Web.

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Will last until: Your third drink New Year's Eve, when you feel a real need to start Instagrammin' selfies with your tequila.

2. I will stop pretending to have read books and articles that I haven't actually read.

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Will last until: Your boss asks you if you read that one New Yorker article and you know you can get away with saying yes.

3. I will stop replacing real showers with dry shampoo.

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Will last until: Your first day of work in the new year, when you're reunited with the snooze button aka your best friend.

4. I will send fewer mass Snapchats.

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Will last until: Your first good hair day in 2014.

5. I will stop falling asleep with my contacts still in my eyes.

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Will last until: Your first glamorous Netflix binge-until-you-pass-out session.

6. I will stop letting my dishes pile up until I'm harboring a small ecosystem in my sink.

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Will last until: Mayyyybe next Sunday.

7. I will stop routinely checking up on my ex via four different social media platforms.

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Will last until: I mean, now that you've been reminded, probably as soon as you're done reading this.

8. I will stop defining "cleaning my apartment" as "hiding the hair balls and pizza boxes."

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Will last until: Tomorrow, when you tell yourself, "I'll clean next weekend."

9. And I will stop defining "doing groceries" as "grabbing a six-pack on my way home."

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Will last until: The first time you do groceries for real like an adult and remember that, actually, you're too poor to be buying things like kale and wine.

10. I will at least THINK about the gym once a week. And I will actually go to it at least once in the year.

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Will last until: You remember how good not moving feels.

11. I will stop using poor logic to allow myself to shop for things I don't need.

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Will last until: The first time you think, Well, I spent $3 less than usual on lunch today, so I really do deserve these $140 shoes...

12. I will stop calling in sick via email sent at 7:45 a.m. when I'm really in the pink of health.

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Will last until: The morning after 2014's first rager. New year, new hangovers, let's gooo.

13. I will stop letting "out of sight, out of mind" be my philosophy towards friend who live more than five minutes away.

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Will last until: The end of the first (and only) Skype session you have with a long-distance friend, thereby sating your guilt.

14. I will stop ordering takeout five nights a week and then wondering why I'm bloated and poor.

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Will last until: You walk into your kitchen, open your fridge, stare blankly into it for five minutes, and finally understand the meaning of despair.

15. I will stop falling for this trick and staying up until 5 a.m. on weeknights:

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Will last until: The new season of House of Cards airs on Netflix.

16. I will stop using books as an interior decor fixture and attempt to open them once in a while.

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Will last until: Page 4 or 5. Happy napping.

17. I will stop tweeting boring, mundane updates about my life that, truly, nobody does or should care about.

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Will last until: Five minutes ago?

18. I will stop opening tabs at bars and then becoming everyone's best friend under the influence of alcohol aka generosity juice.

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Will last until: Round two.

19. I will stop buying new underwear instead of doing laundry regularly.

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Will last until: One night a few months from now when you've exhausted every possible underwear substitute (hello, bikini bottoms) and your laziness hits its peak.

20. I will stop Facebook stalking old high school classmates strictly to judge all their life choices.

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Will last until: Your first "I need an ego boost right now" of the year.

21. I will stop making romantic decisions based on the tiny part of my psyche that is a 12-year-old girl.

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Will last until: A month and a half from now aka Feb. 14 aka the day you text every romantic prospect in your phonebook with a beautifully casual "Hey, you out tonight?"

22. I will stop forgetting my friends' birthdays and then overcompensating with gifts of alcohol.

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Will last until: Your friends' birthdays.

23. I will stop using Emojis as a crutch to sustain the rapid decline in my ability to express sincere emotion.

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Will last until: The next time you have to text someone flaking out of dinner plans and you remember how much easier it is to say "[1 billion heart Emojis]" than "I'm sorry and I really do consider you a dear friend and I hope I will be able to make it up to you soon."

24. I will hit "snooze" less.

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Will last until: Like, tomorrow.

25. I will stop spending money as if I have a vault full of gold at Gringotts.

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Will last until: The next time Zara goes on sale.

26. I will stop having a deathly phobia of pieces of paper that outline my financial goings-on.

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Will last until: You receive an envelope with the words "Sallie Mae" on them and immediately start crying.

27. I will stop succumbing to FOMO.

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Will last until: You check Instagram.

28. I will stop spending all my time procrastinating on the internet instead of doing work.

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Will last until: Let's be honest. This one never even got off the ground.