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28 Important New Year's Resolutions Every Twentysomething Should Make

Repeat after me: I will stop being a shitshow.

1. I will stop posting incriminating pictures of myself on the World Wide Web.

2. I will stop pretending to have read books and articles that I haven't actually read.

3. I will stop replacing real showers with dry shampoo.

4. I will send fewer mass Snapchats.

5. I will stop falling asleep with my contacts still in my eyes.

6. I will stop letting my dishes pile up until I'm harboring a small ecosystem in my sink.

7. I will stop routinely checking up on my ex via four different social media platforms.

8. I will stop defining "cleaning my apartment" as "hiding the hair balls and pizza boxes."

9. And I will stop defining "doing groceries" as "grabbing a six-pack on my way home."

10. I will at least THINK about the gym once a week. And I will actually go to it at least once in the year.

11. I will stop using poor logic to allow myself to shop for things I don't need.

12. I will stop calling in sick via email sent at 7:45 a.m. when I'm really in the pink of health.

13. I will stop letting "out of sight, out of mind" be my philosophy towards friend who live more than five minutes away.

14. I will stop ordering takeout five nights a week and then wondering why I'm bloated and poor.

15. I will stop falling for this trick and staying up until 5 a.m. on weeknights:

16. I will stop using books as an interior decor fixture and attempt to open them once in a while.

17. I will stop tweeting boring, mundane updates about my life that, truly, nobody does or should care about.

18. I will stop opening tabs at bars and then becoming everyone's best friend under the influence of alcohol aka generosity juice.

19. I will stop buying new underwear instead of doing laundry regularly.

20. I will stop Facebook stalking old high school classmates strictly to judge all their life choices.

21. I will stop making romantic decisions based on the tiny part of my psyche that is a 12-year-old girl.

22. I will stop forgetting my friends' birthdays and then overcompensating with gifts of alcohol.

23. I will stop using Emojis as a crutch to sustain the rapid decline in my ability to express sincere emotion.

24. I will hit "snooze" less.

25. I will stop spending money as if I have a vault full of gold at Gringotts.

26. I will stop having a deathly phobia of pieces of paper that outline my financial goings-on.

27. I will stop succumbing to FOMO.

28. I will stop spending all my time procrastinating on the internet instead of doing work.