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Dear World, A Word Of Advice From India: Your Butts Are Dirty

You're doing a shitty job at your post-shit job.

Dear reader, let's start with the basics: The world is a vast and incomprehensibly diverse place.

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Depending on who you are and where you live, you eat a certain way, speak a certain way, pray a certain way, and think a certain way.

But even in this species defined by difference, there are a couple of things we all have in common. First:

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And, more importantly, everyone cleans up after.

Now, some facts: It is 2015. The outer limits of human achievement have never been more fluid.

We have technology that makes unwanted hair disappear. We've put satellites in orbit around other planets. Ketchup has never been easier to squeeze outta the bottle. There are jeans you can use your phone through! Sticks to butter your toast with! Even portable fishbowls!

So here's a question. In an era defined by innovation and convenience, how come SO MANY PEOPLE still violently rub paper on their posteriors to get the poop off?


The Western world is phenomenal at many things – we are so grateful for McDonald's and Keeping Up With the Kardashians – but when it comes to post-poop rituals, we've got you beat.

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Because, TBH, toilet paper is a seriously flawed method:

• It takes a LOT of wiping to get yourself satisfactorily poo-free.

• And too much wiping can HURT and leave your bum raw.

• If you had a fiery or painful poo, scraping paper on it right after is basically the most horrifying experience imaginable.

• There's a risk that you're actually spreading feces around instead of getting rid of it.

• And the even grosser risk of tearing through and getting shit on your fingers.

• Turds + TP = a guaranteed clog or two.

Have you really never wondered, mid-traumatic-wipe, if there's anything better for you out there?

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WELL, GUESS WHAT. THERE IS. THERE TOTALLY IS. World, meet the handheld bidet spray.

Also affectionately known as bidet shower, bidet sprayer, health faucet, bum gun, ass hose, shit spray, butt jet, poo buster, or simply the best invention ever.

These beautiful, life-changing devices are used widely across the Indian subcontinent and the Middle East. AND A BILLION PEOPLE CANNOT BE WRONG.

Muslims have been pioneers in this field, mostly thanks to an Islamic code called Qadaa' al-Haajah, which prescribes the use of water to clean up post-poo.

Here's how it works: When you've done your business, you grab this beauteous sprayer, stick it into spraying range of your doody-drop point, and SPRAYYYYYY.

These handy diagrams are courtesy of, which is about as official as it gets when it comes to bidet-related #InvestigativeJournalism. Also, yeah, you can enter either through the front or the back – whatever works for you, man!

You push gently on its handle and a strong, determined spray emerges from the faucet, washing you squeaky clean with no abrasive-ass paper involved.


When you're done, use a teeny bit of TP to gently dab your derrière dry.


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I mean, what more pleasant way to follow up a fiery feces-fall than with a cold, soothing stream of water?

I know what you're thinking: All this is well and good, but what about HYGIENE? I'll let this Quora user answer for me:

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In other words: If you got poop on anything else – your hands, your possessions, anything at all – would you just wipe it off with dry paper and consider it clean?


In summary:

Dear Rest of the World. Embrace the bum spray. You trusted us on the Kama Sutra, zero and yoga, now trust us on this.

Go ahead. Choose the OBVIOUSLY superior way of life.

You're all welcome.

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