Dear World, A Word Of Advice From India: Your Butts Are Dirty
You're doing a shitty job at your post-shit job.
Dear reader, let's start with the basics: The world is a vast and incomprehensibly diverse place.
But even in this species defined by difference, there are a couple of things we all have in common. First:
And, more importantly, everyone cleans up after.
Now, some facts: It is 2015. The outer limits of human achievement have never been more fluid.
We have technology that makes unwanted hair disappear. We've put satellites in orbit around other planets. Ketchup has never been easier to squeeze outta the bottle. There are jeans you can use your phone through! Sticks to butter your toast with! Even portable fishbowls!
So here's a question. In an era defined by innovation and convenience, how come SO MANY PEOPLE still violently rub paper on their posteriors to get the poop off?
The Western world is phenomenal at many things – we are so grateful for McDonald's and Keeping Up With the Kardashians – but when it comes to post-poop rituals, we've got you beat.
Because, TBH, toilet paper is a seriously flawed method:
• It takes a LOT of wiping to get yourself satisfactorily poo-free.
• And too much wiping can HURT and leave your bum raw.
• If you had a fiery or painful poo, scraping paper on it right after is basically the most horrifying experience imaginable.
• There's a risk that you're actually spreading feces around instead of getting rid of it.
• And the even grosser risk of tearing through and getting shit on your fingers.
• Turds + TP = a guaranteed clog or two.