9. Always respect the dress code.
It doesn’t matter that it’s overcast and in the fifties. The official dress code for a Mack throwdown is Wayfarers and a tank top. If you think you’ll be cold, stop by your local thrift shop and grab a giant fur coat. Or just bring your own booze jacket.
8. There is joy in sharing.
You will feel compelled to constantly take blurry pictures of your surroundings, and you will feel compelled to caption them with drunkenly misspelled/misheard Macklemore lyrics. This is OK.
7. Learn from others’ mistakes.
You might think it’s OK to jump on stage next to Macklemore and start playing a saxophone solo during “Thrift Shop.” But, as this brave soul demonstrated for us all, it is not. You will promptly be tackled by security and dragged off stage.
6. And learn from your own too.
When the Mack throws his giant fur coat into the audience and commands you all to “crowd-surf the raccoon,” you will all collectively fail.
“This NYC raccoon died a long, long time ago, and he probably had a great life… I’m all about honoring animals’ lives in the afterworld. You know what this raccoon would’ve wanted? The only dream that this raccoon had was to crowd-surf in a Metallica concert. And we are not Metallica, but we’re pretty fucking close. Who says we crowd-surf the raccoon? Crowd-surf the raccoon! Crowd-surf the raccoon!”
Let your drunken inability to perform this incredibly easy task be a lesson in humility.
5. Stay open-minded.
At some point during the concert, Macklemore will launch a Charmander into the mosh pit. You will not believe your eyes. You will accept the fact that you are hallucinating. But, as Facebook photos will prove the next day, you are not. Let this be your daily reminder that anything is possible.
4. But respect limits.
OK, so not anything is possible. For instance, it is impossible for anybody — even the hallowed Mack — to look good in a blond mullet wig and a sequined cape.
3. And give credit where credit is due.
So he can’t pull off just about any outfit (though, let’s be real, he can pull off more than the average human), but he totally has other superpowers. For instance, he can walk on hands. On drunk, unstable, college-kid hands.
2. Remember to get joy from the little things.
Pause for a moment to observe the magnificence of this scene: thousands of people, all drunk, all gloriously undignified, shouting in perfect unison, “WHADUP I GOT A BIG COCK!”
Let this wash over you (kinda like the Red Bull someone just sprayed into the air is washing over you).
1. And, when it’s all over, cherish your memories.
Hours after this is all over, you will wake up with a pounding headache, covered in inexplicable bruises, beer, and glitter, retaining nothing but hazy flashbacks of wigs, raccoons, and Charmander. The last few hours of your life will feel like an absurd, exhausting dream.
Well, at least it had a baller soundtrack.
- A Pennsylvania judge has ordered Bill Cosby to face trial for a felony sex-assault case from 2004.