back to top

13 Tricky Dating Issues Solved At Last By Grandmothers

Here’s some dating advice from Granny: Tuck in your shirt and pick up new REDD’S Green Apple Ale -- it's brewed like a beer and tart like Granny Smith.

Posted on

1. What should I write in my online dating bio?


Mary: Oh my… There are so many adjectives that would be appropriate.

Wanda: How about "I'm available"?

Nita: Cute. Strong. Sexy. Fun lover seeks adventurous partner looking for fun and good at making out.

Elita: You should say how tall you are. That's the first thing. They need a visual look. Tell him what language you speak. Say you're six foot tall. Say you speak Spanish. How much do you weigh? I don't want a big fat man… I'm seeing him in my mind... Your age.

2. How soon should you text them after the first date?


JoAnne: I would let him text me!

Mary: I don't think there's any set or established time for that. Whenever you feel comfortable.

Elita: Same day! If you like them! If you don't like them… Never!

Nita: Right when you get home. You kids play too many games and think way too much.

3. Where is the best place to meet someone?

Axis of Awesome / / Via

Patricia: At the bar. I met my first boyfriend at the milk bar in Adelaide, but I think things are different these days.

Elita: A place where you could dance and fool around. Or meet somewhere outdoors! Then if you don't like him, you can run!

Wanda: I have two places I always tell people they can find the best people: at church and in a classroom.

JoAnne: Oh my goodness! Hmm, all the sports bars, wine bars, regular bars, and…well…maybe church.

4. Should I be playing the field?


Patricia: Oh yes. Absolutely. That's marvelous.

Wanda: I don't see any point in dating just one. I remember one year for Christmas, I got seven different presents from seven different boys.

Mary: If you haven't found anybody that you're really attracted to, I don't call it playing the field. You keep that person in the background while looking elsewhere.

Elita: No! Don't play the field. That would be an insult to one of the others.

5. At what age should I "settle down"?


Nita: When things are right in your career, you have a stable source of income, and can wholeheartedly be able to support a family.

Mary: When you're ready to. There's no definitive age for that. Some people never grow up and never want to settle down.

Wanda: Well, I think you should have already settled down.

Patricia: Five years ago.

6. What's the best way to dump someone?


Nita: Tell her you're getting deployed or got a call from a past lover you can't ignore. Whatever the excuse, just don't string them along — pull the bandage off fast.

Patricia: Be nice about it. They might end up being very rich, and you'll regret it. Don't burn bridges, as they say.

JoAnne: Oh, I think the best way to tell them is face-to-face — and politely.

Wanda: With as much kindness as possible. Sometimes — er, I guess, always — they're really hurt.

7. When is it time to make it "Facebook Official"?

Ben Rosen / BuzzFeed

Elita: I don't like Facebook, so never! I don't like to put my business on the street.

JoAnne: Probably six months.

Nita: Two dates, two months. Time is subjective — just do it when you know it's right and don't think too much about it.

8. What's a pick-up line that never fails?


Elita: "What's new, handsome?"

Nita: "Hey, good lookin', whatcha got cookin'?"

Patricia: "Well I'd like to wrap you up in a blanket and take you home."

Wanda: A smile.

Mary: A good comment about what they're wearing. How they look. You know, pile on the sauce. I don't think that ever harms.

9. Do you think people have too many options these days?


Wanda: Eh, you never know where something might come.

Patricia: No, I think it's marvelous to have options.

Elita: There's not too many options! Take your pick and do it! Just because you have another option doesn't mean you have to do it. And if they aren't sure, that's just tough titty.

Nita: Oh most definitely. When I was your age, the boys in my Sunday school class were scrumptious enough for me! Now you have internet and dating apps and all this weird wizardry — yet, you're still single…

10. What's an appropriate flirty text message to send without sounding desperate or coming on too strong?


Mary: "Gosh I had a good time last night. Hope we can get together soon."

Nita: "Thinking about you and missing your touch. What's up?"

Wanda: Be as natural as possible. You want somebody who's gonna like you for you. You don't wanna be flirty at all — even though sometimes it's a little hard not to be.

Elita: "Had a great time, let's do it again." And little smiling faces — or no, i don't want ANY smiling faces, that's titties!

11. Should I ever text the eggplant emoji?

James Lamon / BuzzFeed

Patricia: Is that some kind of recipe?

Nita: Eggplants are delicious. Girls love 'em, guys love 'em — why the heck not!

Mary: What? *We explain the emoji* Oh! Personally, I don't think so. It seems a little coarse to me.

Elita: You wouldn't have any reason? WHY ON EARTH? *We explain the emoji* OH! No. Wait a week and find out yourself about that.

12. Is it true that if you don't use it you lose it?

BuzzFeed /

JoAnne: Well, I suppose so…

Elita: If I don't use my brain it will probably go off into…something… Space. Cyberspace. You have to keep using it! You have to keep using your eggplant!

Mary: Yes and no. You never completely forget something. Well, for instance, a typewriter. You learn the keys. You know the positions with your hands. And you have a certain speed. Well, your speed will go down when you're not doing it, but you can recover very quickly with practice. But the basics are there, and you never lose the basics.

Nita: Oh honey — you never lose it. Trust me.

13. How do I know when I've met "the one"?


JoAnne: Um… How would you know... It's just a feeling… You could be lovesick, just like I was!

Nita: You just know. Everything feels warm and right. Again, don't overthink it. You'll know when it's them. If you do have to think about it, it's not them.

Wanda: Nobody has to tell you. You just know. It's like tasting good food: you know it's good.

Elita: You don't, because you might meet another one tomorrow.

Mary: I don't know if you look at somebody and instantly say that's the one. I think it's over a period of time. Getting to know the person and… How do you know overnight that you're compatible? I don't think you can. I think it's a relationship that develops.

Patricia: Bring him here, and I'll tell you.