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A Random Bayside Student's Letter To College

I have been rewatching Saved By The Bell (because it's on Netflix and I can't watch Buffy again) and coupled that by listening to "Go Bayside" - a hilarious podcast hosted by April Richardson (you should go back to the start and re-listen to all of the episodes). Anyways, there are other students besides Zack, Kelly, Slater, Lisa, Jessie, and that a-hole Screech that went to the Bayside High. And as far as we can tell, they had dreams! They wanted to do things! They would have wanted to go to college. But they were probably turned down because their extracurricular activities were shanghaied by six students.

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To Whom It May Concern,

Thank you in advance for reviewing my application for enrollment into your prestigious university. It has been a long time dream of mine to attend your school and I feel I would make a great addition to your student body.

I am aware that my resume is quite underwhelming and that is why I am writing this letter.

IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.

My school was completely ruled by six students who were the only ones who were involved in every activity. And I mean every activity.

The best place to start would be at the top.

I am not aware if you are familiar with Bayside High School's employment situation, so allow me a moment to explain. The principle is Mr. Belding. His office is located right in the main hallway and we are not sure why. He has no secretary or any other administrators around his. It is just hallway full of kids -> his office.

He is entirely way too familiar with the students. He uses the student bathrooms, "works out" in the locker rooms, and there was even a time when he and his wife were having troubles that he hung out in a student's room.

He also pranks students. He is in a position of the highest authority in the school and he pranks students often.

He also teaches classes.

Regularly.

In fact, there are only four regular teachers in the whole school. Granted, I have a graduating class of about 75 kids. But it takes more than four people to give us the education we deserve.

Mr. Tuttle teaches about fourteen different classes. At least fourteen.

Mrs. Culpepper is a blind art teacher. I'm not being dramatic, the woman cannot see things but she's trying to make us more artistic. And just to complete the irony, Mrs. Simpson is the English teacher and she is deaf. I am not sure I used the correct definition of "irony" because when I asked her she mentioned something about wrinkled shirts and then left.

Mr. Testaverde hasn't had a student pass his class in years. Like no one passes. He still has a job and brags about how none of his students can pass.

This is the life I lead. But that's nothing. Because students and teachers and principles alike all answer to one governing body: SIX KIDS. Zack Morris, the coolest kid in the world (he thinks) and the ringleader and a psychopath. Kelly Kapowski the cheerleader whose family is poor because her dad worked in the defense department and world peace broke out and bankrupted her family. AC Slater, the best athlete ever. Jessie Spano, a by-the-books feminist who I think was on drugs. Lisa Turtle, the rich girl who loves fashion. And Screech, a kid who does not understand anything in the world but built a robot. It's almost as if his intelligence fluctuates based on the need for a joke. These six ran my school.

It started Freshman year. There was a dance contest hosted by the Casey Kasem. It all came down to three couples. Despite my constant practice with my date, we fell short. It would not have bothered me too much, until I saw that the finals was entirely comprised of this group. And the winner was wearing a leg cast. I do not want to get into conspiracy theories, but all she did was hop on one leg. And she won! How ridiculous is that?!

They once found a radio station in the basement. It was fully functional and only needed to be turned on. The fact that this was left unsupervised and fully operational is a question for the school board; but nevertheless, these kids found it and got to run it. No one even had a chance. Even the jock who was terrible - and I mean terrible - had his own segment. I applied, but they scoffed. Since I was not in their group, I was left on the outside. I was a little upset, but got over it because it was a high school radio station that could only be heard in a 500 foot radius around the school.

When there was going to be a PSA about the negative consequences of marijuana use, famed actor Johnny Dakota decided to use my school! I am very into acting and was excited to be a part of this experience. The whole thing was stolen from me when this group bumped into Mr. Dakota moments before I made my introduction. These students then ran out the HOLLYWOOD actor and we instead had an NBC Studio Executive tell us about drugs. If that sentence did not make sense to you, I understand, the whole situation did not make sense to me.

Then, the same thing happened in the school play. It was my Senior Year and I was ready for a staring roll. But then Zack was nervous that his girlfriend was going to kiss someone else. So he auditioned, obviously got it, and then changed Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs into Snow White and the Seven Dorks. Also it was a hip-hop version. I spent the past three years ready to star in a well known and respectable play, you can imagine my shock and anguish.

We had a bookstore that was student run. It was great. It taught us the value of customer relations and how to handle money. I loved working there for the three weeks I was employed. Then they took over and, literally, turned it into a smut store. They were selling bikini calendars with girls from my class. I know the bookstore was not the coolest, but it was a fun place to work. And we were forced out. Also, I do not believe the girls knew their pictures were being taken. I do not think that is entirely legal.

They also ran the Student Government. It's just well enough, it is not as if anyone would have been able to accomplish anything without their blessing anyways. One time the school was low on cash (this school is in one of the wealthiest counties in California, someone should look into this budget). The Student Government decided to have a date auction to raise money for new cheer leading uniforms (quick side note, we only had three cheer leaders: Kelly, Lisa, and Jesse). Only five people were auctioned; all of them were males and three was from this regime.

Every single committee was comprised of these students in some combination. Sure they allowed some of us to "sit in" on these meetings, but unless you were Zack Morris, no one was listening.

Have you heard of any other students who participated in a Ring Committee? That's right, a committee to pick out, design, broker the deal for, and distribute the class rings? I didn't think so. But we had one. And we left it all up to one guy. And the rings turned our fingers green. Why was there a committee in the first place?!

Year book committee? Yep, they ruled that as well. Oh and I also do not have a year book. I have a VIDEO year book. Yes, the records of my senior year will forever be immortalized on a VHS tape. You can imagine who was responsible for this idea. I sure hope VCRs never go out of style or else I will never be able to share these memories with my kids or grandkids. Plus the video year book was first used as a dating video. Zack video taped girls (again, without their knowing) and sold it to people. I do not know where he found his clientele, but he made a lot of money.

Speaking of things you may not have ever heard of, but did you know there was a Student Teacher Week? This was when students (teenagers) were put in charge of being the educators (adults) for a week. A week! And Zack was the principle. THE principle. A teenage sociopath was the principle and had all of his authority. This was a real thing that happened to me in my life.

Sorry, I get a little emotional. I used to have a great outlet for my angst in sports. I was an all county wrestler. However, when it came time for States, Bayside sent one wrestler - AC Slater. Just one. The whole team did not go. Just one guy. And he was not even in my weight class. The guy is a hulk. He's 18 but is 275 pounds of muscle. I do not want to rat out my own team, but where's the drug test?

As I am sure you have seen on my transcripts, my GPA was a 4.0. However, I lost my spot in the Academic Championship. Out of three students, I was not picked. Out of three students, three of them belonged to the clique. Also, we almost did not have the trivia-based competition because of a teacher's strike. Many people believe that Zack and Slater sparked the flames that led to the strike. You might think it is ridiculous that two teenagers could outwit several adults, but they did. Constantly.

I do not want to sound ungrateful. I just wanted to illustrate how some students had every opportunity at their school and turned their nose at them. I had honestly ZERO opportunities. None. I wanted to be a part of so many activities in and out of school, but could not because I was not deemed worthy of these six hormonal tyrants. I cannot even go to The Max anymore.

The group of six student did literally everything and left nothing for the rest of us.

Please take that into consideration while you look over the rest of my transcript.

Thank you very much.

PS - I believe Zack can stop time. Please have your Science Department look into this.

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