While most rom-com storylines are written with fantasy in mind, it goes without saying that they're also known to influence how people act in real-world romantic relationships.
But just because "true love" is often the endgame in romantic movies like The Notebook and Crazy Rich Asians, that doesn't mean that the tropes that often accompany these films — such as trying to change emotionally unavailable men and married couples constantly bickering — are meant to translate in real-life relationships because, depending on the situation, these behaviors can be considered toxic.
So when Reddit user u/Cute_Character_1603 asked the r/AskWomen community: "What is something that is romanticized but shouldn't be romanticized?" a lot of the answers revolved around relationships and the rom-com "tropes" they're tired of dealing with in real life. So we gathered a few of their answers for you to read below.
1. "Men breaking down a woman's boundaries until she gives in and goes out with him."
2. "Emotionally unavailable men. The tortured misunderstood Byronic character that women can save from himself with her feminine touch."
"That irks me every time. I had a friend that I told straight up that if the person you're dating isn't making an effort to actively work on themselves, don't continue the relationship, especially if this person usually brings down your entire mood."
3. "Having an affair. Yes, Hollywood makes it look so beautiful on screen but really... does that make affairs turn into true love? Look at all the hurt it causes. Is it really worth it?"
4. "Fighting as a couple. 'Oh, it means we are passionate and love each other.' Like The Notebook. No, it means you have shitty conflict resolution skills and need to work on it."
"I've never yelled or had it escalate to fighting with my BF because we talk things out reasonably when things start going awry. We seek first to understand, then to be understood.
It was hard work. I came from a shouting household, and if you didn't shout, you were weak. That was the message I absorbed. So when we disagreed the first time, I started shouting, and then he turned around out the door and went for a walk. I was puzzled, as that had never happened before.
When he came back, he explained that he never yells and fights, he learned to peacefully talk things out — which says a lot since he came from foster care and a lot of yelling. So I figured if he could do that I could. Then I realized I yelled because I felt powerless, and promised to work on that. Conflict resolution skills are one of the best things you can learn."
5. "Men who are aggressive and have a lot of trouble dealing with their emotions. It's not sexy and attractive, I don't want to feel like I'm dating a child or someone that is going to punch a wall because they are annoyed."
6. "Stalking, a la 50 Shades."
7. "Touching your partner while they're asleep and doing that to wake them up to have sex. It's not romantic and sexy, consent should be given in the moment. You CAN NOT suppose that your partner is giving consent just because they are your partner."
8. "Giving chance after chance after chance to the same guy. It sets us up for so much hurt. Forgiveness should be earned."
"I just want to add that not only should forgiveness be earned, but trust and respect as well. Obviously, there are plenty of people out there who have no problem doing and saying things that disrespect you, ignoring your boundaries, and so on.
Building trust/respect is far easier when you don't know the person from the start. Then if they do or even say something that would cause your trust/respect for them to be broken, it's much, much harder to gain it back."
9. "Prostitution as in Pretty Woman. Most women in prostitution aren't high-class escorts. Most Johns aren't super attractive, sensitive millionaires. And most of those women certainly don't need a John to rescue them."
10. "Society encouraging women to find a man who can take care of them for life. It sends the wrong message to women. We should be encouraged for learning to take care of ourselves in life. It’s not healthy to become so dependent on another person to take care of you if you are capable of being able to do it yourself. If your partner leaves your life for one reason or another, the woman depending on them is put at a major disadvantage and is not fully prepared and equipped to sustain herself without major difficulty — and that should never be the case."
"It sets the wrong message to men, too. They view the most important value they can bring to the relationship as financial stability. This makes 'No, I am not interested' hard to hear when the only value you think you bring to the table is money. 'But why wouldn't she be interested??? I have a job! I can support both of us!'
Instead, we should be working to ensure we are complimenting boys/men on the same traits we admire in women: emotional regulation, social skills, forming healthy boundaries, respecting someone else's boundaries, creativity, humor, ability to care for oneself and one's environment, etc."
11. "Playing hard to get when you like someone and they like you — why? What does this gain?"
12. "Using the idea of an initial 'spark' as an indication of how 'well' a relationship will go with someone when you first start getting to know someone."
13. "Giving up financial stability for your dream job or something important to you 'for love.' People make it out to be this 'Oh, if you love him, you’ll choose love over money.' Yeah, well, being financially dependent on your partner is the number one reason you then can’t leave when the relationship turns bad. Stop romanticizing women giving up their independent careers to be more convenient/available to men."
14. "Doing everything together."
15. "Wanting to marry someone the second you lay their eyes on them. I’m hoping this is just a movie thing but I always thought that was the craziest/weirdest thought process someone could have. You have NO IDEA what kind of person they are. You don’t even know their name and yet IMMEDIATELY you decide you’re gonna MARRY THEM?? Do you not know what marriage is? How could you possibly make such a huge decision based ENTIRELY on how a person appears?? It just feels so wrong and backward and I always cringe when I hear it in movies because it doesn’t sound logical to me at all."
16. "Jealousy. 'It's because he loves me so much.' No, it's because he's paranoid and doesn't trust you at all. Trust is the bare minimum in any relationship!"
17. "Losing your virginity. You don't lose anything, you gain an experience."
18. "Extreme dependency. It's not healthy for your entire life to revolve only around your partner, it's impossible to grow together if you don't also allow yourself the space to grow independently. You cannot rely on a partner to be your only source of happiness and companionship, because despite how many promises you can make, there is never any guarantee that they will be with you forever."
19. "Toxic lesbian relationships with no boundaries, misogyny, and soft-core abuse. It's portrayed so cutesy-like on TikTok, at least, but all I see is a cringe couple who eat each other alive."
20. "Giving all of you to someone or something else. To your job, or your children, or your family. To literally everything but yourself."
21. "Struggling financially together. My ex had this idea that if we struggled together, we can overcome anything. I left him and now he's mad that he's struggling alone."
