Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature — or “has the tendency to express emotions without restraint or disproportionately to the situation," according to APA Dictionary of Psychology — can be taxing not only for the relationship but also for the person who may be emotionally mature.
However, sometimes it can be hard to identify the exact signs of when someone is being emotionally immature, so when Reddit user u/Ninjaomi asked the r/AskWomen community: "What are the signs that a guy is not mentally and emotionally mature?" — I thought it would be important to share their experiences as a lot of these signs can be indications for all adults, not just men. Here's what they had to say below.
1. "Reacts badly to hearing 'no' instead of calmly accepting it like an adult."
2. "When he never admits he's wrong. Also, a lack of emotional regulation. A mature man is able to understand his emotions, process them, and properly communicate them."
"It's for both/all the adults, and they should be helping any children in the relationship develop those skills.
There are various reasons why people reach adulthood with a limited ability to emotionally self-regulate. An emotionally mature person who is still struggling will own it and be working to address it (e.g. through therapy, medication, and developing and applying healthy strategies). An emotionally-immature person will still be caught up in giving in to every outburst, blaming everyone and everything but themselves, and not making any effort to grow and develop."
3. "He thinks periods are ick and throws a tantrum if you send him out to pick up tampons."
4. "When he's lived at his apartment for a period of time and it looks like he just moved in. Stuff is still in bins or containers. A single couch, TV, and gaming system in his living room, and little to no other furniture. No pillowcases, sheets on the bed, or just a mattress on the floor. Nothing on the walls. Piles of laundry everywhere and piles of dishes everywhere. Hanging bed sheets in place of curtains, or no curtains at all. Messy floors and counters, stains, etc. Only knows how to cook frozen pizza."
5. "Black and white thinking. Not taking accountability for their actions and always finding a way to blame someone else for their mistakes. Refuses to apologize or gives 'I’m sorry you feel that way' apologies."
6. "This brought me back to four months ago when I was Googling: 'Is he too emotionally guarded for a relationship?' without realizing that really his lack of affection was because he had a whole other relationship outside of me. Anyway, a few things for me:
"• He treats you based on how he’s feeling and justifies his behavior on how he’s feeling.
• Instead of making you a priority, he explains his lack of effort with excuses.
• Disappears whenever you have a serious conversation or are addressing a conflict.
• Does not hold space or empathy for your emotional wounds and intensities.
• References past loves just a little too much.
• Claims being 'emotional' is something they’ve grown out of.
• Does not respect your time, aka does not plan dates in advance; doesn’t make a routine out of your time together (aka seeing each other every weekend); you’re often waiting for them to initiate plans either the day of or the night before."
"The first bullet point is so true. The conditional affection gets really draining. It also keeps you on a string if you're like me; instead of realizing it's based on their mood, you think it's because of yourself, and you just constantly put in that effort because sometimes he'll treat you the way you want."
7. "Victim mentality. Somehow, his exes are always the ones who have done him wrong. No ambition AND no action toward making those ambitions a reality."
8. "Men who think you’re their parent and are going to pick up after them. A tell-tale sign they’ve not matured past 16."
"Or, that they will clean, but think it's your job to ask/tell them, and not their job to pay attention to what is needed to run the household they live in."
9. "My ex used to get incredibly angry and defensive when we had a discussion about anything that was negative about his behavior. He would refuse to talk about things he didn’t want to talk about and yell at me if I ever said that he did something wrong or wasn’t treating me well. I think these are pretty good hallmarks of emotional immaturity when it comes to a relationship."
10. "This sounds dumb but playing a game with him. Like a simple no-stakes card or board game. If he throws a hissy fit because he didn’t win (especially if he’s never played before), he is immature."
"My ex got PISSED when I helped his niece (a child) in a game once...because she got an extra point, and that made him almost lose the game."
11. "Wanting a relationship just to have children."
12. "Someone who always feels the need to play devil's advocate."
13. "Misogyny and racism."
14. "That he can’t accept when a woman expresses that she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with him and that she doesn’t want to remain in contact with him. So, he takes the 'biggest sore loser' approach and makes up stories about her/talks trash about her on social media and to anyone who will listen. Then, he claims himself to be the victim, and she is the one who 'ruined his life.'"
15. "Someone who is constantly projecting opinions and insecurities onto you."
16. "Insecurity. They brag or show off, especially to other men or about ‘macho’ things: how many women they have had sex with, women they want to have sex with, how tough they are. Performative masculinity. Or, conversely, they try to build themselves up by putting others down. Some men do this really obviously. But with some men, it’s more subtle. They seem like an ok guy, then out of left field might say, ‘Women take good men for granted and just want a wallet.’ Obviously, all men don’t have fragile male egos. But the ones who do are insufferable."
