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50 Of The Greatest Pieces Of Vital Information From All That

And now, Lori Beth Denberg with vital information for your everyday life!

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1. Don't count your chickens like this: ONE CHICKEN, TWO CHICKEN, THREE CHICKEN, FOUR CHICKEN, FIVE CHICKEN!

2. Doggie say, "Woof, woof." Kitty say, "Mee-ow." I say, "Get off my lawn or I'm calling the cops."

3. If your first name is Wally and your middle name is Wally and your last name is Woo, then your name is WALLY WALLY WOO!

4. What goes up must come down. What goes up your nose must get gooey.

5. A penny saved is a penny earned. And a penny earned will buy you absolutely nothing.

6. You'll seem peculiar if you go up to your principal and say, "Hey, how's your butt?"

7. If you go fishing and don't use all the worms, put cheese on them, give them to your little brother, and tell him it's worm-aroni and cheese!

8. Once upon a time, there were three little bears. That is until they met three big hunters.

9. When you get out of the shower soaking wet, it's almost impossible to dry yourself with a #2 pencil.

10. If your neighbor asks you if he can borrow a cup of sugar, you'll sound weird if you say, "Oh, you can have the sugar if you let me drink out of your toilet!"

11. Oh, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh, Macarena, Macarena, Macarena. Oh, I hate the Macarena!

12. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. If you can't join 'em, bite 'em.

13. If a dog asks you what your favorite color is, run away fast 'cause dogs ain't a-sposed to talk!

14. It's a bad idea to put bacon on your face and run around screaming, 'Look at me, I'm pork boy! The breakfast monkey!

15. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? You know, I couldn't care less.

16. If your teacher gives you an F, find his car and let the air out of his tires. You'll still get an F, but teacher gonna have to walk home!

17. Never go into your neighbor's bathroom, jump in the toilet, flop around, and yell, "Look at me, I'm a toilet fish!"

18. It's rude to talk with your mouth full. It's even ruder to blow your nose on your sister's pants.

19. Three blind mice. See how they run. Into things.

20. Next time you fall in a puddle of mud, don't stand up and shout, "I AM THE KING OF MUD CITY, AND YOU ARE ALL MY MUD PEOPLE!"

21. A picture is worth a thousand words. A picture of a thousand words is worth three and a half chipmunks.

22. If someone comes up to you and says, "Have a nice day," stomp hard on his foot and say, "Have a broken toe!"

23. If you're on a first date, it's a bad idea to say, "So, what's the biggest loogie you've ever hocked up?"

24. If your babysitter shows up in red rubber pants and carrying a bucket of fish heads, try to get mom and dad to stay home.

25. If you're writing a letter to your grandfather, don't begin with, "Dear Bald Wrinkled Man."

26. When eating pizza, it's good to yell at the top of your lungs, "I just love-a da pizza pie, I just love-a da pizza pie!"

27. If you throw up on a crowded elevator, try yelling, "Oh, I just shouldn't have eaten the pizza pie, I shouldn't have eaten the pizza pie!"

28. When you're reading a book, don't skip the even pages and then say, "Man, this book is really odd!"

29. Never take two pieces of bread, put them on either side of your father's head, and then say, "Aw, who's a sweet daddy sammich face!"

30. If you're in junior high and still wearing a diaper, time to grow up!

31. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. If you can't stand being dressed, get out of your pants.

32. When you're checking out at the grocery store, never say, "Oh, I don't need any bags. I just stick the food in my pants."

33. If your mother asks you about what you learned in school today, you'll scare her if you say, "Well, we learned about math, English, and witchcraft!"

34. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack eat chipmunk, Jack get sick.

35. Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony, stuck a feather in his hat, and later realized he had ruined a perfectly good hat.

36. Don't go to your friend's house for dinner if their mother is serving Nancy Pot Pie.

37. If your grandmother has no teeth, it's not nice to give her corn on the cob and then laugh out loud while she gums it.

38. Never go to a party, sit in the onion dip, and then run around screaming, "Hey, grab yourselves a chip and scrape some dip off my rump!"

39. When you're on a date, never spread your toes apart and say, "Hey! Check out my fungus!"

40. If your sister gets a phone call and you answer it, don't say, "My sister ain't here, she's out in the yard flopping in the mud!"

41. It's not right to take a hunk of pork, squeeze it into a glass, give it to your mother, and tell her, "Here, Mommy, I made you some pork juice!"

42. It's not nice to push your friend Billy off the roof and then yell, "Look, neighbors, it's raining Billy!"

43. Girls, it's a bad idea to fill your bra with water and goldfish and then tell people you've invented the "Double Cup Aquarium."

44. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. When left in the sun, mayonnaise grows hair.

45. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb and a side of mashed potatoes.

46. Putting a mouse in your pants is weird. Building a tiny gymnasium in your pants for the mouse to work out in is down right peculiar.

47. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill just laughed as Jack lay there unconscious.

48. There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She stunk like a fish.

49. If your teacher asks you what you did over your summer vacation, don't say, "I drew a picture of you. And then I stuck a fork in it!"

50. Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you Pork Boy: The Breakfast Money!

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