Congratulations class of 2016! Go out and follow your dreams!
Ha! If my dream was to sit in my room and cry about my lack of job offers, I would be NAILING it.
As a shiny, new graduate, I thought life would be so simple: graduate, get job, move out, have awesome social life, and live in bliss.
Instead, it turned out a little more like this: graduate, get part time job to at least have a little bit of money, still live with parents, sit at home every night, be unproductive on a daily basis.
That being said, I have mastered the art of postgraduate unemployment. Being the generous soul that I am, I decided to share my knowledge with all of the other unemployed graduates in the hope that we can all live together in a life of lethargy.
1. First and foremost, never set an alarm. Ever.
Why do you need to get up early? To sit around and twiddle your thumbs while every one else is at work? Ummm no. That leads to arthritis (I don't know…could be possible…). So go ahead, sleep until noon! Close those shades and put on that sleeping mask! You decide when the sun shines, not the other way around.
2. Time to Eat…a lot
After you finally decide to wake up and about the time you finish checking the Snapchat stories of your friends taking mirror selfies in their business casual clothes, you'll hear your stomach start to rumble. Time for brunch—the beautiful meal that can consist of eggs and bacon or chicken nuggets and french fries. Pancakes or Pizza. Breakfast burrito or Taco Bell. The choice is yours. Hey, if you're really feeling it, you could have all of the above! No one is stopping you. So what if you get too full and can't get yourself up off the couch? Who cares? You've got nothing to do today!
*Pro tip: Use a paper plate so that you can just throw it out.
No dishes = no problems! You know what don't even use a fork. Just use your hands.
3. Netflix and Digest?
Since you've just eaten your weight in processed foods, you've committed to sitting on the couch in order to let all of those chemicals digest. It's time to turn on the TV. While live TV is great and all, I would suggest choosing a show from Netflix. Like I said, you've devoted your time to sitting on the couch for a few hours so you will want to have a good show to binge watch. Yes, Netflix I'm still watching. Stop judging me.
4. Put On Some Pants
After a couple of hours pass and you feel more like a human and less like an elephant, muster up the courage to put on some pants. I know, I know, we've already established that you aren't doing anything today, but you'll feel like you did something productive if you put on some pants. I promise. No need to dirty the nice pants you haven't taken the tag off of yet. Gym shorts or yoga pants will do.
*Protip: While you're at it, a shirt is probably also a good idea.
5. Young Professional 101
Way to go! You look socially acceptable! Now, don't get too excited because the confidence-sucking task of job searching has approached. Have you ever heard the saying "getting a job is a job in itself?" They weren't kidding. You have to make a perfect resume all on one page, update your Linkedin profile and find a picture of yourself that doesn't involve you wearing a crop top or holding a red Solo cup. You have to sort through job postings from every job search engine available, even though majority of the job postings overlap. You also have to creepily stalk companies and employees on Glassdoor like you're at a sleepover stalking your high school crush. Last, if you are an artsy fartsy person, you additionally have to maintain a portfolio website. Lucky you! Jk, it's exhausting.
6. Take Five
Ok so it's been what, like half an hour since you started job searching? Yeah, I think you deserve a break. This is my favorite part of the day because the options are endless. More Netflix? Great choice. Video game? Fantastic. Snack time? Delicious. Take a nap? Hell yeah. Go for a run? Lol no. Wait…did you say rum?
7. Pretend You Had Busy Day
About the time that your break is coming to an end, you will hear your roommates (aka your parents) coming back from their long workday. "What's for dinner?" You'll ask when they walk in the door. "I don't know. I've been at work all day," Your mom will respond with a sigh. "You couldn't make some dinner? You've been home all day doing nothing!"
As Hannah Montana once told us, "Nobody's perfect." You know what she said is true, but you don't need that kind of negativity in your life. So you say, "I've had a really busy day. I woke up early and job searched for like 5 hours. And I did the dishes and went for a run! Jeez Mom..." Mic drop. (or remote drop in this case)
Congratulations! You've completed a successful day of unemployment. For what more could you ask?
But sooner or later the day will come when an HR manager says to you, "You're hired!" Ugh. You'll act excited but really you know that your days of freedom are long gone. But hey, at least you can stop shopping at the dollar store and make the upgrade to Target. I guess that's worth it, right? Off we go to follow our dreams!