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Why Michigan Is Way Better Without A Mascot

Mascots in costume are for theme parks and ginormous-headed babies.

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Here at The University of Michigan, our official mascot is the wolverine.

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Not that one!

This kind of wolverine.

Look at that silky coat and flawless smile. So sexy.
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Look at that silky coat and flawless smile. So sexy.

Despite its soft and cuddly appearance, these creatures are 100% badass.

Despite being two feet tall, these beasts attack everything they see and even run down moose to kill and eat. MOOSE. They can fight off wolves and cougars, are crazy strong, and if they get caught in a bear trap they gnaw their own LEG off for freedom. You think honey badgers are wild? Wrong. Wolverines are king.
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Despite being two feet tall, these beasts attack everything they see and even run down moose to kill and eat. MOOSE. They can fight off wolves and cougars, are crazy strong, and if they get caught in a bear trap they gnaw their own LEG off for freedom. You think honey badgers are wild? Wrong. Wolverines are king.

You know what doesn't do our wolverine justice? These.

That tree is really striking fear into my heart.
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That tree is really striking fear into my heart.

Or this sad, sad creature.

I think it’s a cat? Or maybe a squished mouse with vampire dentures?
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I think it’s a cat? Or maybe a squished mouse with vampire dentures?

Or the ugliest of them all, this hideous giant-headed mutant.

Kill it, KILL IT WITH FIRE.
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Kill it, KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Sure, it is fun to watch when mascot fights break out.

Who could forget that glorious moment when the OU mascot planned for an entire year to tackle Brutus the Bobblehead, Buck-toothed Buckeye?
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Who could forget that glorious moment when the OU mascot planned for an entire year to tackle Brutus the Bobblehead, Buck-toothed Buckeye?

But do we need one of these sad, hand-sewn beasts?

No. We don’t. Although we would love an explanation for what that thing on the left is. A mop? Stick of butter with a toupee?
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No. We don’t. Although we would love an explanation for what that thing on the left is. A mop? Stick of butter with a toupee?

We don’t need steroids either.

Sparty, I think it’s time you got some help. Just say no to drugs.
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Sparty, I think it’s time you got some help. Just say no to drugs.

So we’ll keep our badass wolverine, and everyone else can keep their giant costumed…things.

If you have a mascot, that’s great, but it’s just not our style.
s3-ec.buzzfed.com

If you have a mascot, that’s great, but it’s just not our style.

Although if Hugh Jackman wanted to come to a Michigan game in costume, we’d always say yes.

Call us, we’d be so down.
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Call us, we’d be so down.

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