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Posted on Sep 2, 2014

Parks And Recreation And Hogwarts

The definitive Sorting of the Parks and Rec cast. Highly scientific and extremely accurate, but don't try to figure out whose death was sadder, Dobby's or Li'l Sebastian's.

by rachitavasan

Community Contributor

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Ron, despite his attempts to avoid friendship and human interaction, is one of the most caring characters on Parks. He's a father figure and voice of reason to almost the entire cast, is a capable manager of the Parks and Recreation department, and values hard work over almost anything else. There are few things more important to him than fairness and justice, and despite his burning love for riddles, he's still a Hufflepuff through and through.

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Chris is relentlessly upbeat, to the extent that he can't effectively deliver bad news or successfully break up with people. He's everyone's cheerleader, and believes that the entire Parks department has the potential to be great; even Jerry. Let that one sink in. Anyone who can genuinely encourage Jerry is probably sunshine in a freakin' bottle. The longer we got to know Chris on the show, the more weird he got, and his terrifying enthusiasm coupled with his dogged pursuit of fairness and integrity makes him a definite Hufflepuff. If only their mascot was a finely tuned microchip. And if only he could successfully tell himself to stop pooping.

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There are two words and four letters needed to describe our girl Donna: terrifyingly capable HBIC. She's got drive, ambition, people skills, power, and live-tweeting capabilities that far surpass anyone else on Twitter. She has so many people eating out of the palm of her hand that it's a wonder she gets anything done, but she's great at her job, and even better at looking flawless. You do not want to cross her, otherwise she will back into your van with her Benz, or hate you more than she hates her brother, Lavondrius. Let's be real, it's Donna's world and we're all just living in it.

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April is easily the most difficult character of Parks to sort into a house. Behind that unfriendly, weird exterior is a girl who's insecure and vulnerable, and despite her efforts, when it comes to the people she truly cares for, she's loyal and supportive to a fault, even though that loyalty will usually come in the form of deep-seated sarcasm. She's shy and sensitive, and incredibly smart, but doesn't particularly crave learning the way Ravenclaws do. She isn't as readily accepting or earnest as Hufflepuffs, and takes a very long time to trust people. She also really loves screwing with people, and absolutely has a manipulative side. More than anything else, though, April would want to be a Slytherin, which is why the Sorting Hat would put her there. (It wouldn't be surprising if she ended up a Parseltongue, either.)

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This clever, wonderful flying squirrel is more like a beautiful, (non-)tropical badger. She's sweet, a great and long-suffering friend to all of Leslie's shenanigans, and as a nurse, is used to taking care of people. She's patient, nurturing, and works hard, and has a sunny disposition. She's got mostly awful taste in men, and is endearingly awkward; it's really difficult to dislike Ann. (Unless you're a certain lively and colorful half-Puerto Rican.)

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Tammy 2 is the terrifying leader of the librarians of Pawnee, who, in the words of Leslie Knope, are "the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well-read, which makes them very dangerous." Obviously, this makes Tammy 2 a Ravenclaw, since she's whip-smart. However, we also see that she wields her knowledge (and whale-tail) for evil, which makes her one of those Ravenclaws who was also a Death Eater.

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Generally, Jeremy seems like too much of a douche to be in the same house as Harry, Hermione and Ron, but upon further thought, Jamm is obviously the Pawnee version of Cormac McLaggen. They both embody the negative side of Gryffindors; they're brave to the point of being egomaniacal, selfish assholes who are ridiculously entitled and extremely aggressive. Though Jamm would probably never try to play Quidditch or crack Harry's skull with a Bludger, he would probably eat a pound of Doxy eggs on a bet.