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The 14 Stages Of Ordering A Salad

Don't let salad anxiety happen to you.

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Everyone always acts like they just looooove getting salad for lunch. "What a light and satisfying meal!" they say. Guess what that is: A BIG STINKY PILE OF LIES. The process of ordering and eating a salad is in fact an ordeal fraught with trauma from start to finish, and something no human should have to endure.

If you choose to walk this path regardless, don't go in blind. Here's what to expect:

What should I have for lunch? Probably pizza. Had pizza for dinner yesterday, though. And...also for breakfast. OK, how about a burrito? I dunno, remember what happened LAST time you had a burrito?

Ugh, I would totally order the Sexy Summer Squash Box Social but there is no way I'm saying that name out loud. But if I make my own, do I get kale or romaine? Tex-Mex direction or do more of a Greek thing?

Uh oh, I'm third in line. Gotta lock things down here. I kinda want grapes. Are grapes weird? There's NO way that's gonna work with avocado. Is it too late to leave and get soup instead?

Oh my god wait I'm up oh god why is this happening OK I'll just point at stuff why are you looking at me like that do you take issue with my craisin-jalapeño-tofu combo?

Why do I feel faint?

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