back to top

24 Reasons Mayonnaise Is The Devil's Condiment

Slime of Satan, I command thee: BEGONE.

Posted on
Twitter: @dmbestor

Too long have the citizenry of this nation stayed silent in the face of an insidious, nefarious power. Too long have we suffered soggy, slimy sandwiches in silence; choked down gelatinous egg salads; stood idly by while innocent fries drown under a flood of pallid, flavorless fat-goo. That's right, I'm talking about BIG MAYO. And until the rest of the world is talking about it too, I will not rest.

Here's a little wakeup call for all the mayonnaise apologists out there. I only pray that you may see the error of your ways before it's too late.

1. Mayonnaise is made out of oil and uncooked* egg yolks. It's essentially raw, greasy eggs.

Flickr: chickencounting

Although! For the record! Homemade mayonnaise and/or aioli is far, far superior to the store-bought kind — often palatable, occasionally delicious.

*mass producers of mayo pasteurize the eggs first, which is why mayo is eerily shelf-stable


15. Mayo fuels the most obnoxious kind of gentrification.

This place is two blocks from my apartment. It's never open except sometimes for like two hours on Saturdays, during which time NO ONE goes in to buy mayo (for obvious reasons), which leads me to believe that it's some kind of hipster mafia front.