Too long have the citizenry of this nation stayed silent in the face of an insidious, nefarious power. Too long have we suffered soggy, slimy sandwiches in silence; choked down gelatinous egg salads; stood idly by while innocent fries drown under a flood of pallid, flavorless fat-goo. That’s right, I’m talking about BIG MAYO. And until the rest of the world is talking about it too, I will not rest.
Here’s a little wakeup call for all the mayonnaise apologists out there. I only pray that you may see the error of your ways before it’s too late.
1. Mayonnaise is made out of oil and uncooked* egg yolks. It’s essentially raw, greasy eggs.
Although! For the record! Homemade mayonnaise and/or aioli is far, far superior to the store-bought kind — often palatable, occasionally delicious.
*mass producers of mayo pasteurize the eggs first, which is why mayo is eerily shelf-stable
15. Mayo fuels the most obnoxious kind of gentrification.
This place is two blocks from my apartment. It’s never open except sometimes for like two hours on Saturdays, during which time NO ONE goes in to buy mayo (for obvious reasons), which leads me to believe that it’s some kind of hipster mafia front.
- Criticized previously for not forcefully speaking out, Donald Trump condemned anti-Semitism after bomb threats were reported at 11 Jewish centers.
- Milo Yiannopoulos has resigned from Breitbart News after he was accused of defending pedophilia in an old video.
- President Trump has named H.R. McMaster as his new national security adviser, replacing Michael Flynn who resigned last week.
- West Elm pulled the Peggy Couch from its site after years of scathing customer reviews and complaints of buttons popping off 🙈