19. August 1998: Chuck Norris
Notable cover story excerpt: At 58, Norris is comfortable with the idea of growing older. “Sometimes I can see myself as an 85-year-old man with a walker, yelling ‘Halt!’”
Grade: C. It’s like, I know I should care? But I can’t care anymore.
18. Summer 1996: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Notable cover story excerpt: He grins impishly. “To me, it tastes great. I know your magazine is called Cigar Aficionado, but….” He shrugs, as if to say, he’s no expert; he just likes cigars.
Grade: C. More like SNOOZinator.
14. December 1997: Pierce Brosnan
Notable cover story excerpt: “There was an old lady in there, Mrs. Slanie, and when I would come home from school she would take care of me and bring me into her living room with chintz and all these knick-knacks and bric-a-brac. She had budgies (canaries), she had two of them, and I’d sit with her after school.”
Grade: B–. I mean, it’s fine? It’s just kind of what you expect from Pierce.
11. Winter 1996: Danny Devito
Notable cover story excerpt: Fortunately, DeVito has always been enormously popular with his crews, and the crew on Matilda quickly erected a special “smoking tent” for him outside the sound stage, outfitting it with chairs, a table, a telephone, plants and a large ashtray.
Grade: B. I’m nervous about that match.
10. April 2011: Matthew McConaughey
Notable cover story excerpt: His older brother, Rooster, did, in fact, name one of his sons Miller Lyte McConaughey. And there is a basis to the persistent rumor that McConaughey avoids revolving doors.
Grade: B+. Good saucy grin. Needs more moustache.
9. Summer 1995: Jack Nicholson
Notable cover story excerpt: But he admits to being “almost reclusive. I’m nocturnal. That’s why I like Batman. That’s why I like basketball, night comics and night games.”
Grade: B+. Sure, he comes across like a megalomaniacal, sexist prick in the article, but no one could accuse him of not giving that photo his fucking all.
6. December 2004: Bill Murray
Notable cover story excerpt: “It was one of those productions where everyone was determined to be much more professional than the guy next to him—because no one wanted to be less professional than the elephant.”
Grade: A–. Stylish and delightful! Not even in an ironic way.
5. Spring 1996: Matt Dillon
Notable cover story excerpt: The limo is crawling down the street due to the crowds. “I’ve had enough of this,” Dillon says, feeling cooped up in the back of the car. He makes a quick move for the door. “I’m getting out. I wanna be out there in the city.”
Grade: A. (OMG Matt! So cheeky. Also peep that chest hair.)
4. June 2000: Kevin Bacon
Notable cover story excerpt: “Jane I got from a pound in Martha’s Vineyard. It was summer. Everybody wants a dog, and she was there and she was perfect. I took her out and walked her around in a circle and I was like, ‘This is the dog.’”
Grade: A. There’s a DOG in the photo, you guys.