17 Cooking Gadgets That Will Destroy Your Faith In Humanity

Were you starting to think the human race might NOT be a plague on this earth? Wrong.

1. The RoboStir


2. The Perfect Meatloaf Pan

DID YOU KNOW that 87% of Americans confess to being incapable of removing things from pans with utensils such as knives and spatulas? NO LONGER will they have to suffer in silence.

3. The Fat Magnet

If you think this will actually work, you deserve to eat fatty chili.

4. The Soda Caddy

Ach, holding the large bottle, it is so hard for my hands, they are weak, soooo weak, unable to grasp this strange round slippery object, what to do, who will help me, how can I live, how can I *dies*

5. The Dog Dicer

Do you even KNOW how DANGEROUS hot dogs are? There’s basically a 99% chance of instant death by asphyxiation if you eat them without slicing them into tiny pieces first, and obviously if you use some kind of dumb hazardous tool like, oh, a knife to slice them, there’s a 99% chance you’ll cut your fingers off and bleed to death. Better play it safe.

Don’t be a statistic.

6. The Magic Tap

This is a device that aids in the transfer of liquid from a bottle to glass, an achievement otherwise accomplished by an arcane process known as “pouring.”

7. The Inflatable Buffet

If you can explain how this an improvement over NOT putting a huge inflatable thing on your table, I will give you a cookie.

9. The Pasta Boat

Making pasta is arguably the greatest challenge a cook can face. Boiling water? SUPER HARD. Dumping pasta into that water? EVEN HARDER. There has to be a better way. What’s that, you say? A microwaveable plastic container that will probably leach weird plasticky chemicals into my pasta and then scald my hands when the lid comes off halfway through straining the pasta? SOLD.

10. The Cupcake Secret

“Cupcake Secret bakeware lets you bake a secret inside every cupcake you bake. Cupcake Secret’s hiding posts allow you to stick your favorite treat in the middle of your cupcake.”*

*Hiding posts = hidden metal spikes. In cupcakes.

Such a good idea, basically foolproof in every way.

11. The Better Bagger

Dear purchaser of this item, may I ask you a quick question?


12. The Bacon Wave






13. Chips & Dips

Wake up, sheeple. This is going to END. IN. TEARS.

14. The Party Plate (And Beverage Holder!)

Every head turned as she walked into the room. “Who is she?” they whispered, awed by her great beauty and poise. “And where did she get that marvelous food and beverage receptacle?”

15. The Bottle Cap Buddy

“Keep those pesky bugs from spoiling your drink while you are outside with The Bottle Cap Buddy As Seen On TV. Think about it…… who wants to be swatting those creepy flying critters away from their drink every 10 seconds while trying visit with friends having a good time.

Even still…who wants to swallow a beer bug with their drink and have to pour their drink out on the lawn since one or more of those nasty little critters have decided to party along with you while you buy the beer or whatever other alcohol beverage you are drinking !”

Hahahaha what it’s so weird it’s like I never realized until right now that every beer I ever drank outside was FULL of insects, basically comprised mainly of insects with just a little beer to keep me fooled. Wow.

16. The Rotato Express Peeler

Why does this make me feel afraid?

oh gahhhhhhhd

With additional Useless Stuff Reporting by Sam Dean.

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