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    So, "The Bachelorette" Semi-Started Last Night And...Woof

    "Once you go black..." LEMME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE, DEAN.

    Rachel Lindsay, the new Bachelorette, is a sparkle princess and we are so very excited for her season to begin!

    But not as excited as ABC, apparently. During last night's finale, Chris Harrison kept teasing a "surprise" for Rachel, warning us to "hold on to your Spanx!"

    The big reveal? That — UNBEKNOWNST TO HER — Rachel's season of The Bachelorette was starting RIGHT NOW ON LIVE TELEVISION.

    First, it was a master class in what it looks like when a woman is being pressured to do something she doesn't want to do, but is trying to be nice.

    Rewatching the clip, I was shocked by how many times Rachel straight-up verbalizes her unhappiness or shakes her head...with a big smile on her face.

    There was a lot of this...

    ...and this.

    Clenched teeth and clenched hands...

    ...some Wow, I have no words!...

    ...and some *actual words*.

    After meeting the second suitor, Blake (who was so boring/unprepared, it hurt), Rachel said to Chris Harrison, "They're great! I mean, we could stop there..."

    And because The Bachelorette wasn't done giving me college frat-party flashbacks, the next thing they did was bring out Dean, who introduced himself by saying, "I'm ready to go black...and I'm never gonna go back."

    And then — and I missed this the first time because I was so busy yelling at the television — he licked his lips and made this face:

    Even this white woman is like "TF???"

    "Did he just????"

    My face watching all of this unfold:

    The segment ended on a high note, at least, with some genuine chemistry between Rachel and the fourth suitor, Eric:

    Rachel handled every cringeworthy moment with total grace, but I'm really hoping that ABC and Chris Harrison will chill out with the "surprises" in Rachel's upcoming ~epic~, ~historic~ season.