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Basic Food-Sharing Etiquette For All You Damn Heathens

We live in a SOCIETY, for crying out loud.

There are few things better than breaking bread with friends, family, and people with whom you're intending to have sex. But poor food-sharing etiquette is definitely a deal breaker.

In the interest of saving relationships, here are some simple guidelines to follow when you're sharing a meal with loved ones:

No matter how delicious someone's food looks, at least let them taste it before you start begging for a bite.

You need to at least pretend you want to get to know their meal before you start sending it dick pics. ("MY EYES ARE UP HERE!" —Their fried chicken platter.) Both parties know you've noticed it and you really want a taste, but the polite thing to do in this situation is feign innocence. Once they've had a few bites and shared their thoughts on how delicious it is, you should pretend that you're just now seeing it for the first time. ("Oh, that old thing?" —You, barely looking at the fried chicken platter.) You both know this is a lie, but it's a gracious lie, a lie that gives them a chance to offer you a bite. Which they may or may not do. This leads us to...

If you want a bite of someone's food and they haven't offered it to you, you have to ask first.

First. You have to ask first. Like before you help yourself.

Give them a chance to actually answer the request.

There are too many people in this world who reach over and swipe a fry while asking if they can have a fry. It doesn't matter if you birthed them or they birthed you; overconfidence is a turn-off. Taking people's food without asking is theft, and it's also a clear sign that the person you're dining with needs to redo their home training.

Always be prepared for disappointment.

"May I have a fry?" is, in fact, a yes or no question. That means the answer may be no. I mean, everyone really loves fries. And maybe they didn't get very many with their order. Maybe they are really hungry. Maybe they finally decided to stop believing the lie perpetuated by Pinterest that zucchini "fries" are actual fries and they want to really savor their first time back in the sack with a potato. We all have our reasons for saying no on occasion.

More often than not, your fellow diner won't eat everything on their plate, and they'll offer you more fries than you ever dreamed of. (Note: Don't jump the gun and ask them if they are done eating yet.) But if you decide that you won't allow them to feed you their scraps like you're an adorable stray dog they've decided to befriend, and that you're going to do this your own grabby way, you may find a bloody stump where you were expecting to see that truffle fry.