Exactly What Was Wrong With The First 50 Hot Selfies I Took But Did Not Send
"FFS, is this really what I look like?"
1. OK, the first one is obviously always just a warm-up.
2. Welp, that’s not my angle.
3. Still not my angle.
4. Like, where is my neck?????
5. Hm, yeah, OK, this lighting is not quite as I good as I thought it was. Seems counterintuitive to turn on the overhead light, but I think that’s actually what I need to do.
6. The lighting is now much better, but is that pile of laundry in the background distracting? I know I would notice if someone sent me a selfie with a bunch of laundry in the background, but that may just be my hangup. But probably better safe than sorry.
7. Tits looked great, hair looked weird.
8. Wow, so apparently looking right at the camera is akin to keeping your eyes open when kissing someone. So now I think I should be looking near the camera but not at the camera?
9. My expression is tending toward “duck face” which I don’t actually hate, but it kind of has a bad rap so I’m going to try to avoid that if I can.
10. Hair looked fine, but think it could look better.
11-13. Tried to do serious sexy, even though I know it never works for me.
14. Did a chin-resting-in-my-hand pose, which I think is a pretty normal thing to do IRL, but turns it out makes my head look sort of disembodied and makes my arm look extremely tiny when I do it on camera.
15. Tried the “finger on the mouth” thing that celebrities do. It definitely made the photo look more interesting/sexy, but it seems like a clear tip-off that I’m trying, and I obviously would not want anyone to think I’m trying.
16. Is That a Shadow or a Hair: Bikini Line Edition.
17. The dog filter really is my best filter, but is it weird to be a semi-sexy dog? Like, that’s weird, right? But also maybe who cares?
Oh fuck, so, I guess I’m gonna need a caption. Maybe I should think about that now, in case it has any bearing on the photo itself.
18. God, will I ever be able to understand the line between “smiling just enough” and “smiling too much”?
19. Oh, hi, OK, really liking the “pulling my underwear down slightly at the hip” thing. Now just gotta get my face to cooperate.
20. Gave the “Who me?” look a try. Won’t be doing that again.
21. Wow, OK, my pretend sad face makes it look like I’m legitimately in pain, which is really sending a strange message.
22. FFS, is this really what I look like?
23. OK maaaaaaaybe this one….? Ugh, but nah, no, I just don’t love it.
24. Wondered how hard it would be to take a photo of my ass. Turns out, it’s pretty hard.
25-27. I temporarily lost my mind and decided to try a mirror selfie instead of using the front-facing camera.
28. Wondered if it would look better in black and white. I like it but also it feels like too try-hard so never mind, let’s just move on.
29. Oh, shit, accidentally turned on the flash.
30. FFS, is this SERIOUSLY what I look like????
31. Hm, what if we tried underboob?
32. Tried to do one of those “looking up and off into the distance” shots that always looks so cute and flirty when other people do it, but it somehow looked extremely serious when I did it.
33. OK, so I’ve determined that SIDEboob is a go, but my face was simply not cooperating.
34. Decided to just smile like I would in a normal photo...you know, showing my teeth. The effect was strangely unsettling. Thought to myself, What would happen if I just smile like it’s a normal photo? What would happen is that I would wind up baring my teeth like I’m standing in front of
35. Tried to look down, kind of mysterious-like. I am fooling no one. I am the least mysterious person on the planet.
36. Ugh, I look great here. But, like, too great, like I’m for sure trying too hard.
37. Put on my glasses to see if it would help with the whole “but what do I do with my face?” thing. It did not.
38. Not enough nipple.
39. Too much nipple.
40. Do I look sexy or do I look like I have road rage?
41. Hair looks great, right tit looked great, left tit looked weird.
42. Was about to send this one when I noticed there is a dog hair on my tank top. Maybe he won’t notice? But also MAYBE HE WILL.
43. Fine, but I think I can do better.
44. OMG, LEFT TIT, ARE YOU IN OR ARE YOU OUT????
45. The quality of the photos I was taking in the Snapchat app was a liiiiiiiiiittle low, so I decided to switch over to the regular iPhone camera, and WOW, was that ever the wrong choice.
46. THAT WAS THE PERFECT SHOT BUT RIGHT AFTER I CAPTURED IT I GOT THE “Low battery notification” and it caused the app to freeze and the photo was lost! CURSES! *shakes fist*
47. Hand looks extremely weird.
48. Is That a Shadow or a Hair: Upper Lip Edition
Googles “sexy Snapchat poses.” Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.
50. Yep, OK. Here we go. We got this.
51. Fuck. Yes. It’s perfect!
Selects “4 seconds” on Snapchat timer, hits send.