Let me paint you a picture:
It's 2015 and I'm getting lunch with a friend and I accidentally switch up the names of two Star Wars characters (two of the, apparently, most hated characters). This is two weeks before The Force Awakens is supposed to open in theaters. My friend seems devastated and it's now that I'm forced (ha) to admit the truth: I have never seen Star Wars.
So I asked friends to sit me down and give me a Star Wars education. A Star Warscation. (Nope, better word in theory). So my friends sat me down and watched with me- blessed, they are.
I sat through roughly 8 hours for Episode IV, V, VI and the majority of III.
"You only need to see the original three" was a thing people kept telling me.
Honestly, any fandom where you can only watch half of the productions but still understand what is happening is a fandom my schedule can get behind.
But I digress. There is no time to waste in the Star Wars universe, where things are being blown up, humans and beasts co-habitat planets of all weather, and the only prejudice is against the dark side and giant mounds of Jabba fat. Oh and also maybe everyone thinks they're superior to droids but #AllDroidsMatter.
#spoilers because duh
1. I've been informed I'm watching a special version of Episode IV, made from clips of the actual original version before George Lucas got his hands on CGI magic that have been pieced together.
2. How elite! I like this! Thanks Internet!
3. WE'RE STARTING THIS. IT'S HAPPENING.
4. One time I saw a Tumblr post about how Lucas filmed the scrolling titles and I didn't give a HOOT.
5. But now I appreciate it.
6. Ah yes, C-3PO and R2-D2. Those names sound like what I got wrong on a high school chemistry final, but I already know I like these guys.
7. R2-D2 is so cute. I want an R2-D2.
8. For 20 years, I thought Darth Vader was a wanted criminal, like biggest bounty ever. No, apparently, he is revered, feared, and can just walk freely through the empire.
9. Wow I was so wrong about the plot of this movie.
10. It's not a witch hunt for Vader. I have lied to myself.
11. "You really thought that's what the plot was?" I am embarrassed and we're only like 15 minutes in.
12. Wait! That looks like Leia!
13. Oh ok, bye Leia?
14. "No living organism aboard" ok so droids don't get a vote in this world. Got it.
15. Every time Vader talks I just picture the James Earl Jones Verizon commercials.
16. If C-3PO and R2-D2 were living organisms they would not have survived that pod falling.
17. So Tatooine is... the Sahara
18. I keep picturing the screaming Rick & Morty sun even though I've never watched that either, just this video
19. C-3PO's anxiety about landing on this planet and about R2-D2's insistence to head one way is relatable.
20. I am identifying far too much with C-3PO.
21. The Jawas are adorable for being kind of creepy, black-market salesmen we never see again
22. THATS LUKE I RECOGNIZE LUKE.
23. Luke's tantrum that he can't go hangout with his friends because of his chores is all of us when we have work and can't do fun things.
24. LUKE SKYWALKER: He's just like us!
25. Everyone in this movie has space fashion and then Luke's aunt dresses like my aunt, here on earth, in the 21st century, but with the point collars of the 70s.
26. Like, is she wearing """"space denim??"""" B.S.
27. That mini-plane is way cooler than the current hoverboards every Vine star has today.
28. "Sand-People"? Was that the last creature to be named in this universe? Everyone else gets a cool language or creative title and then Sand-People?
29. I didn't see Mad Max but based on the trailer, I imagine these people were also in that.
30. Obi-Wan Kenobi sounds like a sushi roll.
31. Was it the fact that he was unconscious that Luke didn't put 2 and 2 together or did the public space school fail his 16 year-old self and he didn't use context clues to figure out he's talking to OBI-WAN KENOBI like the one mentioned in the HOLOGRAM not just a normal old BEN.
32. Not a good enough reason to use the term "penetrate" Obi-Wan.
33. That term should just not be in this movie or any movie at all ever.
34. Oh no, the 2 and 2 together for the lives of his aunt and uncle wasn't fast either.
35. It shouldn't bother me as much as it is, but how do we have normal names like Luke, Owen and Ben but then names like Darth, Leia and Jabba in this series?
36. I definitely thought that the "these are not the droids you are looking for" line came at a far-more climactic scene.
37. Nope, it's just the cover charge for this town that has a name I didn't hear or just wouldn't know unless I read an anthology.
38. but I think I'll start doing that hand motion in my daily life. "This is not the caffeine fix you are looking for" *skips over the Starbucks double shot can.*
39. *imagines Drake dancing as they entire the Space Cantina.*
40. 1-800-HAN SOLO BLING.
41. Confession: I thought it was HanS Solo for like 7 years. I'm sorry.
42. I'm informed there is an ongoing debate about who shot first- Han or Greedo. That it says a lot about Han's character if he shot first, instead of out of self-defense. No conclusive evidence on if shooting first decreases Han Solo/Harrison Ford's attractiveness levels.
43. Millennium Falcon more like Titanium Stingray amiright? Looks nothing like a bird.
44. *Is enthralled for like 20 minutes of the movie and is only reveling in watching a great story for the first time, a feeling you only get once.*
45. Leia's make-up would not look that great after being imprisoned and brain-probed.
46. Maybe she's born with it, maybe the Force has a sponsorship deal with Sephora.
47. I'm told we don't see this trash chute creature ever again. Being grabbed in the water is one of my biggest fears you win this round, Lucas.
48. *Continues to be enthralled for another 20 minutes and is only in awe at this movie tbh.*
49. I honestly believed Obi-Wan lasted more than just this movie. Was this an outrage when the movie was first released? Is this where George R R Martin got his inspiration to kill off the loved characters ASAP?
50. I'd probably yell like Luke did also if my mentor was murdered in front of me, but good going, chosen one, now you might be killed (I know he isnt, theres 2 more movies) (3?).
51. OMG Luke & Han working together to destroy ships THE BUDDY COP SPIN-OFF THAT NEVER WAS.
52. "That pilot's name is Porkins." #TeamPorkins
53. RIP Porkins.
54. I don't think I was listening to the plans they laid out but there is one tiny opening that completely destroys the Death Star? That seems like poor architectural planning & foresight.
55. *realizes I've been sitting up, edge of my seat, attentive to everything happening.*
56. Ok but Vader isn't dead? This is what I'm gathering.
57. Oh, but space medals!
58. "But none for Chewbacca?" my friends point out. I agree, this is an unfair outrage.
59. Justice for Chewbacca, he deserves a space medal and to be smiled upon with the same brightness of a thousand suns (Leia has a great smile).
60. Totally ready to watch Episodes V and VI and VII RIGHT NOW.