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57 Things You Learn When You’ve Lived In Yorkshire For Five Years

It's dinner then tea.

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1. Duck, love, and treacle are all acceptable names for strangers.

2. Dickhead is a term of affection.

3. But it's not as affectionate as bellend, daft sod, or knobhead.

4. Meanwhile, being called a mardy arse means you'd better check yoursen.

5. People are, for the most part, dead nice.

6. Which means if you don't engage in conversation with your bus driver, barmaid, checkout worker, the person next to you on the train, the other person at the bus stop, the old fella at the bar, or really anyone you come across, you're a reyt rude git.

7. A half of mild is the only acceptable option if you're not drinking.

8. People do not wear flat caps and have pet whippets.

9. Except, uhm, the young hipster dudes who actually do.

10. You've probably been stuck behind a tractor on a long winding road at some point.

11. Or been held up by a flock of sheep.

12. It's totally acceptable to pack your slippers for a night round at someone's house watching telly.

13. It's dinner, then tea.

14. Hearing old people with really broad Yorkshire accents never gets old.

15. The Yorkshire coast is more magnificent than any soft Southern beach.

16. Whitby FTW. The beaches come with vampires, real ale, and people in black latex.

17. Leeds is for shopping.

18. Sheffield is for beer.

19. Bradford is for curry, duh.

20. Hull is for the Aunt Bessie's factory.

21. And York is for when your mam and dad want a nice day out.

22. Or when you want to inhale the putrid stench of medieval life at the Jorvik.

23. Driving across the moors without belting out "Wuthering Heights" is physically impossible.

24. "I'm so co-o-o-o-ld. Let me in your windooooooooow."

25. Yorkshire Sculpture Park is an exceptional spot for a selfie.

26. Oh Henry Moore, thanks for the photo ops.

27. You've identified a local and they know your preferred seat, order, and preferred salty bar snack of choice.

28. But if your local doesn't have a fireplace, a dog, and a frankly baffling array of craft ales, you're possibly not doing Yorkshire right.

29. You don't actually know when Yorkshire Day is, but when someone mentions it on Facebook you immediately head to the pub for six pints.

30. And upload a new profile picture holding a Yorkshire pudding/bottle of Henderson's/Coopland's sausage roll.

31. Everyone has a story about Sean Bean.

32. And feels personally wounded when he gets killed off, time and time again.

33. Yorkshire Tea is the only brew worth having.

34. Bonus points if you have a Yorkshire-print tin caddy or tea towel.

35. You have never witnessed a man put a ferret down his trousers. Yet.

36. You've witnessed Yorkshire pub carols.

37. And possibly shed a tear over the community spirit/mental and physical challenge of singing "While Shepherds Watched? to the tune of "On Ilkla Moor Baht 'at".

38. Wensleydale is the finest cheese of them all.

39. Particularly when served as an accompaniment to Christmas cake.

40. Yorkshire is fiercely proud of its regional treasures.

41. But if you could claim Brian Blessed, Sir Patrick Stewart, and Jarvis Cocker as your own, you'd be dead triumphant too.

42. You know that the stereotypes about Yorkshire people being tight is a load of shite.

43. But when an entire round gives you change for a tenner, it's no wonder you get a bit het up about things being more on the pricier side elsewhere.

44. You now fully understand the meanings of the words bobar, mashin', nesh, and snicket.

45. And that you work "nine while five".

46. Chips are not complete without scraps.

47. Or gravy.

48. You understand what's required of you when you're asked to turn on "the big light".

49. "It'll be reyt" is an acceptable response to any tricky emotional situation.

50. And, "there's nowt so queer as folk" is the appropriate reply to any behaviour which you're not entirely on board with.

51. The word "the" basically doesn't exist in spoken language.

52. People have a lot of strong feelings about Lancashire. Still.

53. And let's not talk about Manchester.

54. You can debate whether it's a roll, bap, cake, barm, or bun for days.

55. A hint of sunshine and a temperature in double figures means it's time to shed your outer layers and get sunbathing.

56. Not that you ever wear a coat anyway.

57. You might bang on about being from Yorkshire at any given opportunity, but when you're an inhabitant of God's own country it's your duty to preach that religion.

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