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If "Mean Girls" Were Set In Yorkshire

"Stop trying to make mardy happen."

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1. Cady would have moved from London, so everyone would automatically hate her.

2. Even if it was because they were secretly jealous that she might have once been inside the big Topshop.

3. Mr Duvall would be starting the term with carpal tunnel syndrome from a summer of aggressive mountain biking around the routes of the Tour de Yorkshire.

4. Cady would get off to a bad start by spilling a mug of Yorkshire Tea all over Mrs Norbury.

5. But it wouldn't matter, because she'd still have her cagoule on after cycling in to work.

6. Cady would insist that her name was pronounced like Katy, but no one would pay any attention because the class was already formed almost entirely of Katys, Gemmas, and Beckys.

7. The Plastics would take the piss out of her southern accent.

8. Although they'd secretly wish they sounded a bit posher themselves.


9. On her first day, Cady would end up taking her hot dinner to eat in the toilet in shame after she mistakenly asked someone if the Hendo's was Worcestershire sauce.

10. Eventually Cady would befriend a goth called Janis who'd been to Leeds Festival three years in a row and had the wristbands to prove it.

11. And then she'd meet Damian, who would be no stranger to getting the Megabus to Manchester for a night on Canal Street.

12. Together, the three of them would bunk off sex ed for a crafty B&H on the town hall steps.

13. That's where Damian and Janis would teach her about the school cliques: pony girls, casino boys, mountain bikers, and Rocky Horror emos.

14. Cady would say she liked maths because she was thrifty, in a bid to fit into the northern stereotype.

15. And she would consider joining the rock climbing club, much to the Plastics' disgust.

16. Gretchen Wieners' dad would have designed the automated ride thing at Jorvik Viking Centre.

17. And Regina would be rumoured to have been an extra in Corrie.

18. "On Wednesdays, we wear pink flat caps. It's ironic."

19. Despite Damian and Janis' warnings, the Plastics would soon entice Cady into their clutches by inviting her shopping.

20. "Get in, loser, we're going to Meadowhall."

21. Cady would soon be invited round to Regina's house, a Grand Designs-worthy converted barn with a full glass wall down one side.

22. And a swimming pool that could be used for approximately one day a year.

23. Regina's mum wouldn't be like regular mams. She'd be a cool mam, because she'd keep Cherry Lambrini in the fridge for the girls.


24. Conversation in Regina's room would eventually turn to the Burn Book, which is essentially a fancy notepad from Leeds' Harvey Nicks.

25. It'd be full of observations about people being mardy bitches.

26. Speaking of which, Cady would eventually start dating Aaron, a member of the rock climbing club who was still considered cool thanks to his buff topless Instagrams of himself hanging off various cliffs in North Yorkshire.

27. He would invite her to a Halloween party at his parents' place somewhere in Harrogate, at yet another barn conversion with a statement glass wall..

28. Cady would dress as a zombie farmer's wife.

29. "I'm a sheep, duh."

30. Cady would have to leave the Halloween party early, not because of boy trouble but because Regina would make her down a bottle of Sainsbury's Basics gin which she pukes back up over Aaron.

31. To get revenge, Cady would switch out Regina's fancy face cream – bought in London for a blog haul – with 99p no-name, pungently-scented foot cream from the indoor market.

32. Cady would also trick Regina into eating piles of Betty's Fat Rascals, under the pretence that they were nutritious fruit and oat muffins.

33. "Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to Cooplands?"

34. Karen's odds of predicting rain would be far more accurate thanks purely to the fact it just rains every day.

35. The Plastics would travel down to "London, baby" to buy dresses for the end-of-year prom. The entire train journey would be documented on Snapchat.

36. But Regina wouldn't fit into her planned outfit and would be told to try Primark instead.

37. "Are Yorkshire puddings a carb?"


38. Cady would make up a rumour that Mrs Norbury sold weed to teenagers at Tramlines.

39. "Regina, you're wearing a coat. It's a Friday night."

40. Cady would host a party when her parents went down to London to see the Lion King musical.

41. Everyone would be in bikinis in the garden because the temperature was over 14°c.

42. And instead of drinking out of red cups, everyone would be necking vodka out of stolen pint glasses.

43. Then Janis and Damian would turn up in Damian's dad's Land Rover.

44. After its untimely discovery, the contents of the Burn Book would be photocopied at Spar and scattered around the school.

45. "Made out with a toad in the hole? Oh my god, that was one time."

46. In response to the Burn Book drama, Mr Duvall would call a special assembly where everyone would be encouraged to talk about their feelings.

47. But clearly no one would feel comfortable doing that.

48. Apart from Bethany Byrd, who'd openly confess about her "reyt big tampons".

49. Regina would be hit by the Supertram.

50. But she'd still make it to prom, sporting a crown of white roses.

51. Meanwhile, Cady would almost miss prom because she'd be on a rock climbing trip on the Yorkshire Moors.

52. She'd make it just in time for the last dance, though, where she'd be named prom queen, crowned with a plastic tiara, and given enough for a round of drinks and tea at the local Spoon's.

53. And she wouldn't give an emotional speech.

54. Because Yorkshire.