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Don't worry, Phillip can handle it. He's five for Christ's sake.

Explain To Your Son You're Getting A Divorce And We'll Guess Your Starbucks Order

"Why'd the TV go off? And how come you guys look sad?"

"Oh... Is it because you guys don't love each other no more?"

"Can I go back to watching Peppa Pig now..."

You cold ass motherf\*cker. You don't see any reason to add sugar to your beverage, nor to soul-crushing news. Why dilute the truth: that this world is a dark, uncaring space rock full of hungry, clawing animal people. Coffee wasn't meant to bring us happiness; coffee was meant to stop us from strangling our inept co-workers and occasionally, to help us BM. The sooner Phillip understands that, the sooner he can appreciate the joyless swallowing of a tall black coffee from Starbucks himself.

A tall black coffee, no cream, no sugar.

Ugh. That's more of a dessert than coffee, much like you're more of a makeupless clown than a parent. What hope does Phillip have of one day owning land when you coddle him so? How will Phillip defend himself when the government tries to take his guns away? With his guns??
 Too late, they took them away while he was off chasing leprechauns and praying at church. Hopefully your doctor will sugarcoat the inevitable news of your diabetes the same way you sugarcoat the truth and your beverages.

A Double Chocolaty Chip Creme Frappucino

You're still finding yourself, and who can blame you for that? Phillip can. As a parent, your job is to guide your child's growth and ensure he turns out better than you did. How can you do that if you can't decide whether you want caffeine or fruit juice? Life is full of options but as adults, we need to actually select an option instead of "everything bagel-ing" everything. Try being more committed when faced with difficult choices and also put a character limit on your drink orders.

A Teavana Shaken Pineapple Black Tea Infusion Lemonade

Oh, one of these quiz-takers is not like the others. You scoff at the sheeple in their namebrand clothes, ordering their common morning beverages when they could instead start their day off with a bite of cake on a stick. The fools... When it comes to raising Phillip, you don't need some book or some state official telling you what to do. You walk the line between unconventional and depraved, and sometimes you yourself don't even know what'll come out of your mouth when the Starbucks barista asks for your order.

A cake pop made to look like a hedgehog

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Explain To Your Son You're Getting A Divorce And We'll Guess Your Starbucks Order

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