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Explain To Your Son You're Getting A Divorce And We'll Guess Your Starbucks Order

Don't worry, Phillip can handle it. He's five for Christ's sake.

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  1. 1.

    "Why'd the TV go off? And how come you guys look sad?"
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Look, there's no easy way to say this. We're getting a divorce."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "We're not sad, these are our grown up happy faces!"
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "The TV turned off when I pushed this button on the remote. It works by sending an infrared signal."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Stare at him silently until he looks away, establishing dominance.
  2. 2.

    "I don't get it. What do you mean?"
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "It means Mommy and Daddy are going to live in separate houses, no biggie!"
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "It means Mommy and Daddy are going to live separate lives. Like in the good old days before you were born."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "It means Mommy and Daddy won't have to murder each other as was prophesied anymore."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "It means DOUBLE the Hanukkah presents, yippeeeee!!! Best day ever? Yeah, best day ever."
  3. 3.

    "Oh... Is it because you guys don't love each other no more?"
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Love is complicated, son. That's why we have Maury."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Wow OK, um if YOU'VE got all the answers, maybe YOU should explain to US why we're splitting up, Mr. Smartypants!"
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Yup."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Do you have any more questions about how the TV works?"
  4. 4.

    "...is it 'cause I was bad?"
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "What?! Of course not!!! We're the bad ones."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "No, not because-- wait, why? What did you do?"
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Sure, make it all about you."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "I mean if we're being honest here, putting your toys away would've helped..."
  5. 5.

    "But we're still a family right??"
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "No we're not a family! Dammit, have you even been listening?!"
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Yes, we're still family, just a different kind of family. A long distance, some-of-the-time family."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Every living creature on this earth dies alone."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Give his tummy some tickles until he forgets he has no family.
  6. 6.

    "What happens to me?"
    Correct
    Incorrect
    *giggling* "Should we tell him?? Nah, let's let him find out on his own."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    *shrug* "You tell us."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Oh, what 'happens' to any of us really... What does 'happens' even mean? Who wants cake??"
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "You will marry the Stark girl and join our houses. It's the only way the North will accept you as Warden."
  7. 7.

    "Can I go back to watching Peppa Pig now..."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "No, TV is for children who contribute to family discussions."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Peppa Pig's not a real show. You made it up. Of course, what would we know... we're made up too." *slowly walk backwards out of the room*
    Correct
    Incorrect
    "Absolutely! In fact, we'll all watch some Peppa Pig, like a family. For one... last... time..."
    Correct
    Incorrect
    Hug him tight so he doesn't see your tears and so you can watch Top Chef.
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