I was 18 fresh out of high school. He was my first boyfriend, We were both not allowed to date, I had a scary older brother and he had an over the top strict mother. But somehow we managed to spend 5 years together without our parent's knowing. I wish I was warned before about falling in love and how hectic it would be. How damaging it could get. But nonetheless no one told me it was going to be a picnic in the park. The way we started was unusual, I was a very emotionless 18 year old girl and of course he was a regular teen boy who has full of rage. Somehow we made it to our fifth year together in one piece. I asked him a few times to meet my parents but he refused. He would just come up wit excuses that my parents were strict and wouldn't let us hang out everyday. Our last year together my world turned upside down when he told me the chances of him getting into Law school in Canada was slim to none, I didn't know how to process this. Can I manage a long distance relationship? Or was that even an option I was willing to accept. A couple months later he got accepted into a Law School in Texas. A Couple of months after that I was waiting patiently for him to ask me to move to Texas with him... That conversation never popped up. As nervous as I was I knew I had to ask and that's when the awful truth came out. He first started with "your family won't let you move" but I knew there was more to it so I pushed him until the truth came out, and boy was the truth ugly.
My face was blank, all I could hear were the words he was telling me, but I couldn't digest it. He was from the Middle East on a student visa. He signed a contract with the king of his country stating he would not marry a Canadian while he was attending school or his international student tuition would be revoked. He also signed an agreement stating he would work in his country for a year to repay them back for his free tuition as all student from his country got free tuition and monthly allowances from the King of Saudi Arabia. I guess you can't start a conversation off with "hey I signed a paper stating I can't marry you but let's try this dating thing out" He also told me that if he married me the chances the government would accept the marriage was very hard. I was in shock and the only thing I could do was slam the door and say goodbye. I never looked back from that day. I packed my things applied to a college in a different city and never second guessed my decision. I waited months for an apology but never got it. I signed onto Facebook a couple months later and it didn't take him long to find another girlfriend who resembled me, move in with her and fall in love with her. A year later I came into contact with him. He was just the same as he was a year ago. I facetimed him while I was drunk I knew that wouldn't end up good but as it rang I poured my heart out cried until 5 am. I finally got my apology. Somehow we became friends and would talk every day, everyone around me told me I was foolish and I would get hurt again. One day we facetimed and he was looking sad he told me he was still hurt and that he missed his ex-girlfriend, the one after me. Of course he meant the world to me so I did what anyone sane wouldn't do, I messaged his ex on Instagram and told her how much he cared and loved her. The next day he called me so cheerful saying she came knocking on his door and they got back together.... I never heard from him after that day.
As two years flew by I had been dating since my big move and I noticed the guys only lasted for 3 months I couldnt figure out why but I couldn't stand them once the three month mark hit and I would subconsciously sabotage the relationship. The one thing in common with all the men I dated within the two years were they said I wouldn't open up to them. I never understood it until I realized the only person I ever opened up to, cried to, showed my raw emotions walked away from me like I was nothing, and I knew if I opened up to someone I would show them who I was and a piece of me would belong to them, and I couldn't afford to lose myself twice.
It's been three years now
And as much heartbreak and hatred that I went through with him I wouldn't regret any of it, I know that when I meet the one I will be vulnerable again and let my emotions out, I will be ready for the chaos but this time it might end beautifully.