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5 Killer Reasons Why Astrology Lovers RULE

Aw, c'mon ... truth is so OBVIOUS it oughta be beamin' from outta your AURA! But, hey — gotta figure fillin' in the deets ain't gonna do nowan no harm...

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This is what rulership looks like, astro lovers!
Florian Pircher / Via

This is what rulership looks like, astro lovers!

We all know the world is divided into TWO SORTSA PEOPLE, right?

You got Astrology Lovers ... an’ you got People Don’t Care Much For Astrology For Sum Stoopid Reason Hell I Dunno.

Call me Prediction Queen, but I figure YOU belong in the first group.

You check your horoscope daily ... You cavort, fulla the positive vibes associated withya Zodiac sign ... An’ you got underwear packin’ alla the appropriate astro-hieroglyphs.

tbh, that is more than enough reason why you should RULE imho.

But we gotta be scientific here or Buzzfeed gonna complain how sum stoopid astrologer person is JUS’ MAKIN’ STUFF UP.

So here are 5 killer reasons why Astrology Lovers (jus’ like you, sweetie) RULE!

1) You are sensitive, empathic & tooned in to the planet’s GENUINEST EVER VIBES

It is troo, trust me.

Astro people are kinda super perceptive feely types — even the grouchy Capricorns.

This means you got highly developed people-readin’ talents — so highly developed actschwlly that you could prolly even read A WEIRDO CAT.

Want proof?

Go find a WEIRDO CAT rn an’ see how easy it is to TOON IN to its FELINE VIBE.

Where astro skeptics see only whiskers an’ blank stares, you got emoji after emoji risin’ up outta Kitty Persona Central.

I would not be at all surprized to discover you are PSYCHIC.

2) You win out at sex over astrology skeptics

Picture the scene...

The moon is full, the night is young — an’ romance cups you an’ your sweetheart in her rose-scented palm.

“Let’s make with the smoochie,” you say.

“In mebbe 10 minutes,” your sweetheart replies. “Let’s first discuss why astrology is bunk!”


Coupla astrology lovers get together, this NIGHTMARE SEX-STOPPER SCENARIO simply ain’t on the agenda.

3) Alien abductors are 100% less likely to experiment on your brains

Despite yearsa NASA research, we still don’t know for sure why alla the bug-eyed guys from outer space abduct hoomans like they were Pokemon.

One thing IS certain tho — an’ that is ALIEN PSYCHOLOGY.

Gotta figure what any self-respectin’ galactic oddball gonna do when faced with an ASTRO LOVER & an ASTRO SKEPTIC.

They gonna ask ‘emselves which of these two humans is likely to be friendlier to anatomically bizarre creatures from beyond the stars?

Simple truth is that whereas astro skeptics hang out mostly with other hoomans an’ their pets, astro lovers got longbow-totin’ centaurs an’ crazy-lookin’ half-goat half-fish types on their team.


When alien abductors show, intrinsically alien-unfriendly astro skeptics get their brains scooped out.

Evry time.

4) “An enlightened mind doth for perky butt cheeks make”

I ain’t too sure whether this quote is Shakespeare or Stephen King, but the point is ... astro lovers are super hot in the perky butt department.

The reason?

As backed up by science?

Gotta figure anyone fired up by horoscopes, prediction an’ stargazy stuffs gonna spend plenty time thinkin’ ‘bout the Moon ... an’ Venus ... an’ Joopiter.

Wanna know ONE KILLER FEATURE alla the planets share?

Truth is, there ain’t a scrappa cellulite on ANYA THE SUCKERS.

Alla the planets spin an’ dance an’ cast their magic spell with zero fleshy wobble — an’ that same lean & perky celestial energy flows through to YOUR BUTT.

Want hardcore evidence?

Shine an ultraviolet torch overya ass when the moon is full ... an’ you can see THE CELESTIAL RAYS as they PULSATE, tellya.

5) You’re a supremely motivated fireball fulla positivity

Thing is, those astro skeptics got zilcho in their motivational wardrobe.

Here’s how their self-image an’ optimism plays when questioned by a personality expert...

PE — Do you believe in astrology?

AS — No.

PE — Not even a little bit?

AS — No.

PE — So ... you’re not turned on by a centuries-old celestial menagerie destined to impact on your life for the benefit of love, luck ... and money?

AS — No.

PE — Then what vitalizing life energies DO you believe in?

AS — No.

(At this point, the personality expert taps on the astro skeptic’s skull, promptin’ a hollow-soundin’ THOOM THOOM THOOM like sum WEIRDO CAT bashin’ its head ‘gainst an EMPTY BARREL.)

Thing is, whenya identify withya Zodiac sign, you got extra verve an’ life force oozin’ fromya fingertips ... if’n you wannit.

You got more lusciously rendered paragraphs to your life story, more potentialities to exploit, more personality traits to fine toon on your way to world domination — or even your next burger.

Ifya have enjoyed this enrichin’ an’ scientifically generous article, be sure to boostya Astro Lover Potential by checkin’ your horoscope real regular an’ maraudin’ through life’s rich panorama fulla alla your super positive starsign traits an’ virtues.

Aries to Pisces, we all gotta Zodiac on up before the stars burn out — or this is sum real lame Cosmos we got gowin’ on, tellya...

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