1. “I tweeted out a photo of myself wearing just underwear. Nothing but underwear. … I’m holding coffee, I’m topless. It goes viral. And that’s when I learned the word you don’t want people to use when a nude photo of you goes viral: brave.”
2. “They photographed me once and this was the headline: ‘Schumer buys pastry so she can work out.’ "Kinda mean, right? No, they hit the nail right on the f—ing head. That’s what I do to workout. Before I workout, I go and I buy a scone, and I slowly walk around a reservoir, and I eat it. My workouts are like a woman in hospice, just like, nibbling on a baked good, looking at the trees and the birds.”
3. “At the beginning of the awards they showed a little clip of each person’s project. First they showed a clip of the Ebola fighters in [body] suits, where they go in and save lives. And then Malala, Malalaing. And then they show a clip of our show … me taking a giant bite of a burger, then going ‘I’m gonna make some room’ and walking to the toilet. … Malala being fitted for a glass eye, and then me….”
4. “Soon it will be just us.” *Takes a sip of wine*
5. What her boyfriend told her after she blacked out: “You started pounding Ritz crackers…you looked liked a contest on a reality show. You were using butter as if it were guacamole.”
6. “You know what idk you guys notice this..but I’m what Hollywood calls ‘VERY FAT” You know me I feel very good in my own skin, I feel strong, I feel healthy, I feel sexy.”
7. “Thank God I look very stupid skinny, my dumb head stays the same size, but then my body like shrivels but then my body looks like a Thanksgiving Day parade float of like Tanya Harding."
8. "They write about us as if we’re the Kardashian sisters: ‘The Schumer sisters stepped out today. Amy opted for performance fleece and a pleather jacket from Forever 21.' And my favorite thing I ever read was 'and Kim chose to wear a bright red and gold beanie to add her ensemble.' It was a Gryffindor hat. It’s a f----g Gryffindor hat.”
9. When she got real about gun violence: "She wants to take all our guns! That shifty Jew wants our guns! Our amendment!’ … I found out if you’re on the terrorist watch list you can easily get a gun. So the same guy who is like, ‘Git out of our country, foreigner!’ is like, ‘But while you’re here, please enjoy our firearms, legally.’ "
10. On why she thinks paddleboarding needs to stop: “Have you often wondered what’s its like to work on a gondola?"
11. “I know I am trash from Long Island. I have a lower back tattoo that is raised and crooked and it doesn’t mean anything."
12. When talking about her thighs: “There is no separation of church and state up here. I didn’t even know what a thigh gap was. I was like 'is that a wage gap, do we need to rally against this? I have to lather deodorant in my crotch to keep from chafing.”
13. “Honestly, the only thing that gets me through the night is that I believe in my heart that Bradley Cooper wants to f—k me. Now, no one else believes me — especially not him. But I believe it.”
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