How To Find The Best-Worst Fanfiction

We all have our special talents, one of ours is finding particularly weird, off-putting fanfiction for any given fandom. What’s our secret, you may ask? Well, we have a few little tips and tricks for sifting out the boring-awful from the spectacular-and/or-particularly-creative-awful.

1. Leave your sense of self-preservation at the door.

This is essential, I’m sorry to say. What you’re about to embark on is not a journey for the weak of mind or the dainty of constitution. You’re about to encounter some things - things like your favorite characters morphed unrecognizable and prone to internal monologues rendered in the purplest of prose. Things like someone inexplicably becoming a vampire and/or pregnant and/or the author’s date to prom. Before immersing yourself in this quest, you might have never believed that mere words, placed side-by-side, could have such a warping effect on your physical and emotional health.

Stay strong, intrepid fanfic explorer. With whatever sacrifices you make, there will be payoff. We promise.

2. Search for typical 12-year-old girl names under the story category.

These examples are just in the Harry Potter category.

McKayla: 2 stories. One by “Mckaykay016.” You can’t write this shit.

Brittany: 17 stories

Jenna: 6 stories

Elena: 12 stories

Alexis: 7 stories

I’m fairly confident that every single one of these is a gem. But you should definitely, definitely try them for yourself.

3. Pairing search.

This is probably the easiest one. If you can think of a weird, insane, or ethically off-putting pairing, someone somewhere has probably written a fanfiction about it. The question is… do you dare to unearth it? Like an archaeologist who has stumbled upon a stone tablet with a curse and depictions of decapitations and baptism by hellfire etched upon it, think about what you have found and consider what it would mean if you unleashed it on the world. Don’t let your passion for discovering weird things endanger what semblance of order and decency we have left in this world.

However, if it’s equal turns gag-inducing and hilarious, by all means, shareziez!

4. Google search bizarre/random words + work title.

If you really want to find some diamonds in the rough (or, more aptly, some extreme rough in the already rough), search a completely random term and the title of a popular fandom. This is how you really dig your elbows in, people! See my examples below:

- For instance, I merely had to search for “Harry Potter + vasectomy” to find this glorious summary of “The Well-Groomed Mind” Lady Khali

"On Halloween 1994, Harry learns his mind isn't his own. On Samhain morn, he vows to question everything. Armed with logic and an unlikely ally, Harry makes a last ditch bid to reclaim his life. The goal: survive at all costs. On Hiatus."

- For this one, I searched “Hunger Games + Laudanum.” Again, I was met with victory in “Wagons West” by MTK4FUN

"AU 1850 -Travel on the Oregon Trail with the Everdeens, Hawthornes and Mellarks. "Maybe you should consider getting married Catnip. You could help your family." I feel as trapped as a wild creature caught in a snare."

- And finally, for this one, I searched “Buffy + Diabetes.” Really, WHERE could that have possibly gone wrong? Here is the summary of “Just Breathe.”

"About a year and a half after the fall of Sunnydale, Buffy finds herself in an unusual predicament that leaves her with a major case of diabetes. She's not alone however, but that's only half the problem. -Fuffy-"

5. If you really hate yourself, filter for anything rated “M” for a children’s tv show/movie.

I don’t know what kind of darkness that lives in your heart. That is between you and whatever elevated aspect of the universe you believe fashioned your existence out of the void. Let us say you have your designs, your reasons. An enemy you wish to vanquish so desperately you are willing to take yourself out along with them. Go to Fanfiction.net, select the name of a TV show, book, or movie primarily aimed at children and then, under “Rating”, select “M”.

Then pray God has mercy on your soul.

Some of these are clearly jokes. Some of them… there is no telling. But joke or no, it is nonetheless disturbing to realize that not only do people think of things like the mating rituals of the ducks from Duck Tales or whether or not Danny Tanner from Full House would have been a slave owner if he were sent back in time, but that they thought - “hey, you know who needs to know I have these thoughts? THE WORLD.”

6. Have fun.

So you’re welcome. We hope you enjoy the holiday season and we help your enjoyment of said season is enhanced by knowing exactly where and how you can fanfiction written by other humans that will most fantastically short-circuit and fry your brain. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have a 7th Heaven/Harry Potter crossover we need to finish.