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6 Ways You Can Eat Your Bread Bowl Without Anyone Noticing

Listen, I get it. You’re a woman. You’re not supposed to eat your bread bowl. It’s bad enough you’ve eaten everything inside your bowl, but to then go ahead and consume an entire loaf of bread infused with cheddar-baked-potato-bacon soup is a revolting transgression befitting of only the most disgusting, gluttonous problem-with-Americas.

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Listen, I get it. You’re a woman. You’re not supposed to eat your bread bowl. It’s bad enough you’ve eaten everything inside your bowl, but to then go ahead and consume an entire loaf of bread infused with cheddar-baked-potato-bacon soup is a revolting transgression befitting of only the most disgusting, gluttonous problem-with-Americas.

But, you say, it looks so delicious! Can’t I have my bread bowl and eat it too? Maybe you can get away with it, if you…

1. Ask your friend about that one co-worker.

Or about any of the other following topics: Jessica’s wedding, tapas vs buffets, almond milk, what’s the deal with vegetarians, what’s the deal with Jessica, her latest Snapchat from Jason-from-Bar-Trivia. While she monologues, maintain eye contact. Nod often, as if engrossed. Snack on your bread bowl in bits, popcorn-style. By the time she finishes her monologue, you will probably have finished most, if not all, of your carbohydrate food cradle without her noticing. Great job!

2. Eat it while you’re eating what’s in it.

This one requires a little maneuvering, but if you’re committed to having it all (like every girl should be), you will figure it out. As you stab pieces of chicken/coucous/tomato with your fork or spoon, try to take hunks of bread along with it. Yes, this is a gamble - one false stab can bring your entire meal crashing down in on itself. Pretend you are James Bond, disarming a bomb - a doughy, delicious bomb that will send you to sodium-and-starch heaven if you don’t fuck up. Good luck, 007.

4. Make up a disease.

If subtlety has never been your forte, you can always lie to save face. Say, “I’m ‘gluten dependent’. It’s like the opposite of gluten intolerant. If I don’t get a certain amount of gluten every hour, my kidney’s give out.“ They will likely be so confused they will not even have time to pull a thinly veiled expression of disdain as you cram your mouth full of an entire bowl’s worth of bread. Alternatively, you can…

5. Blame it on your period.

This works for just about anything, actually. Legend has it, it was how Lizzie Borden was acquitted. As you take ravenously consume the entirety of the food you paid for, inform your company in-between bites that you are currently in the process of shedding your uterus lining, so it’s important that you keep your energy up. Also, it staves off the hunger for human flesh you always develop during this time. No one wants anyone to get hurt!

6. Don’t give a damn.

You paid 12 goddamn dollars (plus tax) for this bread bowl. You are privileged to live in a country where there’s so much food, your food is served in food. Eat your bowl like no one’s watching.

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