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6 Characters Who Deserve a Roast on Comedy Central

Unfortunately, fictional characters do not qualify for the Comedy Central Roast. That’s a shame, because we can think of some good ones.

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Harry Potter

Oh, Harry Potter. My best guess is that these books are about this boy magician who (presumably) runs around pulling rabbits out of hats and shit. But that’s just what I’ve gathered from things like reading all seven books and gouging my eyes out through what will undoubtedly go down in history as the worst movie adaptations that have ever existed.

And despite the movies being horrible, there are still somehow more Harry Potter movies than there are books. That’s right, people! And you’d think that by beating this dead horse, Warner Brothers wanted to use this extra movie to include more things like nuanced plot details, right? so much. If you’re searching for an accurate movie adaption of a book, you’re better off comparing Ferngully to Mein Kampf.

In fact, the idea for an 8th Harry Potter movie is the worst idea that has come out of England since King George legitimately expected a bunch of entrepreneurial, independently-minded go-getters to totally follow his rules from over 4,000 miles away.

Anyway, Harry Potter is this skinny, bespectacled weakling who, along with his two friends, is somehow responsible for solving magical crimes that fully grown adults are incapable of handling. And yet, the most unrealistic part of that whole sentence is the part where he has friends.

Harry Potter has glasses, and his poor eyesight is somehow never rectified throughout the entire series. This might explain why he marries Ginny, because in his state of blindness, he thought that she was Ron the whole time. Ginny also looks like Harry’s mom, which is creepy...but not as creepy as the fact that incest is openly encouraged at the end of the series between Teddy and Victoire, who are cousins. Gotta keep that magic in the family, right guys?

Bates from Downton Abbey

Like most everyone else, I stopped watching Downton Abbey about a season and a half ago. (We all know why. We all know what happened. What multiple things happened.) But I have Tumblr account, so I know for a fact not much has improved in my absence.

I never understood why everyone loves this character. I mean like, literally, lusts this character. Are we looking at the same dude here?

“It’s his noble, stoic personality! His heart of gold! His love for Anna!” Yeah, the show really belabors that “stoic, noble” part to the point where it makes you side-eye. Is “stoic and noble” a new phrase for “dead-eyed and stony-faced”? Because yeah, then Bates has got that down all right! And Anna/Bates quickly got to the point where it makes you roll-eye. Especially since literally no other couple is scared.

Even if

But more importantly, I’m not sure how a character with a history of anger issues, drinking, and murder indictments is more easily forgiven by the other characters than Mary sleeping with that one guy that one time or Branson standing on the sidelines while other people set a rich person’s house on fire. Also, c’mon. He has the same last name as Norman Bates. Open your eyes, people!

I just don’t understand, why time and time again, more interesting and likeable characters meet dismal ends and he is time and again, not only spared but exalted on a mountaintop as an infallible god among men. JULIAN FELLOWES!

Jay Gatsby

Jay Gatsby is the titular character from The Great Gatsby, that book you had to read in 11th grade because the SparkNotes website was pretty shitty back then. You probably also saw the movie version of the book, which greatly improved upon said novel by providing things like boobs, Jay-Z, and any semblance of an action sequence.

If you need a refresher, though, the plot of The Great Gatsby can be summarized in three words: White Girl Problems.

Jay Gatsby is a man who pines over something for the majority of his life and never realizes that it’s unattainable. This is probably why Leonardo DiCaprio was so great in this role-- he’ll also never realize that one special thing is just beyond the scope of his abilities.

Jay Gatsby’s true love is named Daisy. Which makes sense, because she has the rough intelligence of a daisy. Perhaps the most revealing illustration of this fact this a scene where Daisy starts screaming with joy and losing her shit over Gatsby randomly throwing a bunch of shirts around a room.

Gatsby’s interest in Daisy is understandable, because she would be the cheapest date of all time. If she freaks out about shirts, just imagine her excitement when she discovers things like keys and vacuums! Oh wait...sorry...forgot that vacuums are for poor people.

Daisy didn’t go to Gatsby’s funeral, but to her credit, she would probably have been completely overwhelmed with the concept of getting in a car, driving to one place, and not being able to go to a party afterwards. So, basically, a college freshman.

Loki from Thor/The Avengers

If the Comedy Central Roast exists in the Marvel movie world, I would think to boost morale every villian that tried to rule the world and caused suffering to thousands in the process before failing would automatically be the subject of that year’s roast. It’s only fair.

Loki is essentially the Little Lord Fauntleroy of supervillains, so there’s endless mileage to get out of him. From his Hot Topic-employee hair to the fact that he’s defeated in the Avengers movie by being flung around like a rag doll by the Hulk, I can easily imagine comedic geniuses like Jeff Ross and Seth MacFarlane having a field day making graphic implications about his sexuality and … nope, that’d probably be the end of it! Wow, that’s pretty disappointing. Ah, well. The important thing is that Loki would endure it all, powerless to do anything but roll those sea-green eyes while strapped to a chair and wearing that little futuristic-gag thingy everyone loves.

Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre

Mr. Rochester does to his wife exactly what I did to my Furby once it went insane and started ruining my life - throws her up in the attic! Laugh all you want, but the similarities run disturbingly parallel beyond that as well.

Ed Rodchester was young, dazzled by novel things, and shortsighted when he acquired his Creole wife, as was I when I acquired my sensor-activated antimatron from Hell. (All of his friends probably had one, too!) The only difference is if my Furby threw itself off the roof, it would most definitely live, as it is an evil, Satanic creature not of this world. Bertha Mason was a human being, displaced from her friends and family, expected to integrate into a foreign culture with a likely limited knowledge of the language and a family history of illness. So yeah, that’s where the comparison ends.

We’re not even going to touch on the “hooked up with a French dancer and is raising a kid he denies actually being his ” and “crossdresses in order to find out how a woman feels about him”. Those are just too easy.

Joffrey Baratheon

Joffrey Baratheon is the incestuous result (I’m looking at YOU, Teddy and Victoire!) of Cersei Lannister repeatedly hooking up with her twin brother Jaime in the Game of Thrones series. And although his real name is Joffrey, I often refer to him as “World’s Best Birth Control.”

The main reason that Joffrey is the human equivalent of an IUD is because he’s a dick of epic proportions. Like, imagine the worst person you know...yeah, he’s worse than that. By a lot. If Joffrey lived in our times, he’d probably do shit like steal the microphone from Taylor Swift during an award show and publicly declare that Anne Frank should have been a Belieber.

Everyone in Joffrey’s life is aware that he’s a complete asshole, ‘cause he does shit like cutting open pregnant cats to find the kittens inside. Goddamnit, Joffrey! You always had to take it just one step too far, didn’t you? It was never enough to just hide the had to hide those batteries, too!

Joffrey probably wouldn’t have gotten poisoned if he had just been able to control his evil a little more! In fact, here are just a few careers where Joffrey could have found a niche for his sociopathic personality without detection:

- Working at any DMV

- Making disturbing SuperBowl commercials where children die in mysterious accidents

- Being any character on Seinfeld

- Designing professional development of any kind

But no, that kind of peasantry wasn’t enough for him, and his mother was the only person who mourned his death. But it’s ok, Cersei...I’d cry too if I lost the only person who made me look like a better human by comparison. For this reason, Joffrey will always live on in our hearts, our minds, and our pharmacies, although he has other names in that place, like “NuvaRing” and “Yaz.” I think I speak for the world when I say that although you weren’t in *the* Red Wedding, we’re so glad you still managed to have one of your own.

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