7 Tips to Wow Your Date
Feel like you can't understand women? That it's so hard to figure out those mysterious creatures and understand what they want? Well, here's some not so gentle tips for the clueless motherfucker bachelors out there:
1. If you've been talking more than 7 minutes straight, shut up. Dating is not your opportunity for a) therapy b) being the college professor you've always dreamed of being, or c) converting your date to your favorite political position, religion, or socioeconomic viewpoint. Time yourself and show some restraint, for the love of god.
2. Related to #2, ask the girl some freaking questions already. And one question doesn't cut it. You have to ask at least ONE follow-up question to qualify. Even if you don't give a rat's ass, pretend and do it anyways. Believe me, she is. Here's an example: So, what do you enjoy about the city? (blah blah) Okay - here's your turn for a follow up question! "So, what about 'blah blah' did you like?" GOOD JOB! Want to get extra points? Ask ANOTHER follow-up question! "So, do you generally like blahdy blah blah things like that?" Now you're ROCKIN it! Sex is around the corner.
3. Pay for her fucking $1.50 cookie. If you're short on the cash, jump people in the laundromat. If you're not convinced, here's an economic perspective: a kiss for only $1.50! Now, that is value. But no cookie, no kiss. Remember these simple words, my little pumpkin.
4. If you invite a gal out to an expensive restaurant, don't email her to tell her how much it costs per person. What do you think - is that a) weird, b) tacky, c) confusing, d) showing off? Probably all the motherfuckin' above! But you know, what she doesn't give a fuck. Because if you had just shut up and suggested getting her a $1.50 cookie, it would have been enough.
5. Don't tell your date that you'd put the quarters in her meter except that it's cold out - oh, right! Or, if you're going to say that, you should also say to her, "Hey bitch, put some quarters in my meter, too. My car's the silver one around the block. Oh, and I'm going to get myself another cookie while you're at it." It is important to send consistent messages on a date.
6. If you are very, very angry at the world, and about the hegemony of the United States, and have any opinions whatsoever about the Federal Reserve Bank, KEEP THEM TO YOURSELF. Write them down angrily on a scribbly piece of paper while she's in the bathroom if you are threatening to burst. But even if she's a Bernie supporter, she doesn't want to see your spittle. This is a good opportunity to practice strategy #2, described in detail above.
7. You are just really, really stupid, in ways that no mortal can predict, so I can't list all of the do's and don'ts that you might need to know. Good thing that I'll be going on more fucking dates to find out more stupid ass ways you can fuck up a date, so that I can write a follow up column to help you out. Stay tuned, eager bachelors.