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Trinidad & Tobago's 10 Sexiest, Celebrity, Eligible Pipermen

Let’s face it. if you were born on the wrong side of ‘The Lighthouse’, or you cannot claim at least 1/16 whiteness through your cousin’s husband by inherited marriage (pronounced marry- aaaj with pinkie extended), you may as well be a vagrant in Trinidad, also known as, a “Piper Man”. So without any form of self-indulgent preamble, here is a list of Trinidad & Tobago’s Sexiest, Socialite “Celebrity” VVVIP All-Inclusive Trendy Pipermen.

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10. Red Bench Ricky

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Bringing up the rear at number 10, is Red Bench Ricky (no reference). This handsome fellow may have been misjudged because of the quality of the footage. However, his agent required too much money for use of his other images.

His versatility as a singer is matched only by his ability to croon. Step aside Sinatra’s ghost, because this guy wouldn't even have to take an umbrella in the rain; he never had any to begin with!

9. 4 Canal Charlie (Olympian)

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Overlooked for the national team because of a “Shade” of a difference in skill with our beloved George Bovell, Charlie has put in massive amounts of hours into his daily regimen, resulting in the body of a Greek God that you see before you today.

Nobody we know (or care about) personally verified that to the best of their knowledge, this swimmer/socialite could go toe to toe with Phelps any day of the week.

But not Sunday. That’s when he’s behind the Lord’s house; hey, that’s our beloved “Drain Wayne” for you.

8. Bae Rum Bobby

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He’s not Irish, but if he was, he would’ve definitely made someone else’s list! Here we have Bobby. This connoisseur of bay berry distillates sports his trademark nonchalant visage, but don’t let that fool you. Legend has it he was once elbowed out of Johnny Soong’s way by the latter’s highest paid assistant.

7. Magic Spike

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Move over Channing! This deceptively tall drink of water shows off his mesmerizing moves for the benefit of anyone with an aversion to visual aesthetics. This writer can proudly claim no confirmation that this man is even a Trinidadian, but, as they say in journalism school, “…meh”.

6. Piggy Face (no relation)

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This bachelor owes his classic physique to his tireless hours of demanding workout sessions, scientifically designed and implemented to imitate manual labour. CEO of his fitness company, “Piper 90 Flex”, This physical trainer/socialite has coached many a coloured person into the benefits of frequent fasting, fat cell reduction through an alcohol diet and the cardio vascular workouts centered around ‘Ketching it’.

5. Backseat Brandon

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trinidad drunk man getting on bad Piper / Via

This ruggedly handsome bachelor hails from the back seat of wherever this car has been towed, owing to the public nuisance of being, “Just so damn fine”. Often compared with the classic good looks of black and white Hollywood fame (insert name drops of your choice here), this VIP (Very Important Piper) earned his way to mid table by being one of the most exclusive piper men ever to grace the golden streets. As you can see from this rare footage, he simply just does not have enough time in the day for us plebs. He believes that the air around him smells sweeter than most.

4. Soulful Sammy

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Things are really starting to heat up now. Rarely is the world graced with an equal combination of looks and talent. This Romeo of rhythm and blues says that he could never claim to be the sole source of his stardom in the post-colonial society. He owes his success to the most gracefully selected, hand-picked, hard drugs, only accessible to the social elite, like himself. If you’re wondering whether Sammy has to beat the ladies away with a stick, well wonder no more! (autographed sticks cost extra and waivers are required beforehand).

3. Serenading Sonny

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The competition stiffens as the weighting metrics used to sort this list start to groan under the weight of all this hotness. One thing separates this artiste from the competition. His unending desire to please his listeners. His effort is matched only by his gratitude, as can be seen at the end of his sample video.

2. Uncle Ellis

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Our key informants are still out ascertaining whether or not this man is a vagrant or a piper, but why wait? Since he doesn’t fall in the approved racial categories for any other form of recognition, he may as well enjoy second place right here. This dancer extraordinaire has graced many a sidewalk and has a wider audience demographic than most ‘band boys’ in the twin island republic!

“The key to success, “ he says, “is enjoying what you do. I’ve never worked a day in my life!”

1. BayrumMarlon

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Say it right. One word, just like Madonna. This handsome red devil can stop any elite bachelorette dead in her tracks with his yellow gaze. Rumoured to possess healing powers like the fictional X Men characters of yore, he wears his forearm cast as a formality, as if to mock the powers that be, for being unable to keep him back, like some sort of light-skinned commoner.

Honourable Mention: Mush

As the real estate agents always say, "Location location location". Mush happens to be a world class piper, hailing from Piarco and environs.Why did Mush not make the list you ask? Well, self identifying as a piper from "The East", simply makes him inferior in no quantifiable way. Cheers Mush!

As the real estate agents always say, "Location location location". Mush happens to be a world class piper, hailing from Piarco and environs.

Why did Mush not make the list you ask? Well, self identifying as a piper from "The East", simply makes him inferior in no quantifiable way. Cheers Mush!

In Conclusion

The impetus behind this "article" was the realization that any red blooded individual with raging hormones and a keyboard has access to publish comically biased opinions on a public level, with no regard for the potentially negative influence they have now added into a wider world, beyond what should be said and kept in a 'sleepover' type of forum. Perhaps it is born from a desire to cling to self-perceived privilege, us lesser people may never know.

Clearly this stuff does not take very long to create. We gotta love that freedom of speech.

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