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14 Thoughts I Had While Watching The New Star Wars Trailer

I saw it, so did you. But this is the internet, so here's what I thought. Me, me, me.

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1. 'I should avoid breathing right now.'

Lucasfilm / Via youtube.com

I was raised on Star Wars VHS tapes and Kenner action figures. Since the late 80s, I've been waiting for a sequel movie that followed Luke (not his jerk-ass father) and the gang into the great beyond. I was indescribably excited for the prequels and took my regulation dose of disappointment with everyone else.

Now, finally, here is the trailer. I actually felt a bit sick.

2. 'Oooh, gravelly.'

Lucasfilm / Via youtube.com

Okay, so cryptic voiceovers are nothing new on trailers - but I liked this one. I spent a moment wondering if it was Max Von Sydow. Either way, desert and brooding were instantly present: a good sign.

3. 'GAH!'

Lucasfilm / Via youtube.com

This made me jump. No lie. Boyega just pops up out of nowhere.

On the plus side, there's a sneak of the awesome probe droid noise from The Empire Strikes Back here - a subtle hint to the old school that yes, all's well here.

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4. 'What the HELL is that?'

Lucasfilm / Via youtube.com

As first shots go, this is a weird one - but it does hammer home the family-friendly nature of the movie. I'd also bet my last pint of blue milk JJ doesn't have many finished shots to choose from for the teaser.

But hey, it's good to see engineers fixed the whole 'R2 units versus stairs' issue in the 30 years between movies.

5. 'STOP SHAKING AND FLASHING!'

Lucasfilm / Via youtube.com

This is the first peek of Abrams' signature style in the trailer - no lens flares, but more than a hint of Star Trek to it.

By necessity a little obfuscating, this footage does promise the 'Stormtroopers do Private Ryan' sequence Star Wars geeks have been nipple-tugging over for decades now.

6. 'It's Daisy Ridley!'

Lucasfilm / Via youtube.com

She looks like Carrie Fisher, seems to live on Tatooine and her speeder bike is based on the colour and design of Luke's old landspeeder.

Someone got paid to keep that in mind? What a time to be alive!

7. 'NEW HELMETS!'

Lucasfilm / Via youtube.com

Seriously. I was so engrossed in the shiny new rebel pilot gear I didn't even notice this was Oscar Isaac. He flicks a switch in a pretty bitchin' way though, you have to admit.

8. 'YAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!'

Lucasfilm / Via youtube.com

This shot made me do a big face. It just looks beautiful. Water and sunset and X-Wings. Not crappy hybrid prequel almost-X-Wings: sleek, lovely new ones.

I lost control of my extremities around this point, flailing like Jar Jar Binks in a microwave.

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9. 'I just need to calm dAAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHH!'

Lucasfilm / Via youtube.com

The tattered cape, the frosty (Forest Of Dean? Endor?) landscape, and finally the screech of a new type of Sith lightsaber igniting.

I needed to change me pants AND socks after this.

10. 'This lightsaber is a good lightsaber'

Lucasfilm / Via youtube.com

By this point I was only capable of clipped, toddler-like thoughts - but in the light of day (and 15 viewings later) I approve wholeheartedly of this design. The blade is thin and rough, it makes a creepy mewling sound AND IT HAS SIDE BITS.

The Star Wars expanded universe has some REALLY SILLY lightsaber designs. This one is comparatively sleek and menacing, from what we can see.

11. 'FILLFENIUM MALCON!'

Lucasfilm / Via youtube.com

Somewhere in that hunk of Junk is Harrison Ford doing a sideways-ey smile. At this point the six-year-old version of myself emerged from my subconscious and re-took control of my body. Now I only eat crisps.

13. 'OH THERE HE IS!'

Lucasfilm / Via youtube.com

POW! They sneaked in Luke's lightsaber noise right at the end. Subtle nod to the fans or throwaway sound effect? I don't care which, I'm reading way too much into this and refuse to back down from the precipice of insanity.

December 2015. Must stay alive until then.

14. 'I don't believe it'

Lucasfilm / Via imgur.com

I walked into this trailer expecting to love any old crap they'd hand me - but even at a glance, this team's care to come up with cool new ideas, but deliver them in the same vein as classic Star Wars, left me in big nerdy tatters.

My new life goal is to see this movie, and if possible, to actually go and live in space. Whichever comes first.

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