Ventriloquist Dummies Are The Scariest Thing Ever
Here's the deeply unsettling proof.
Over the years, clowns have become a universal symbol for something that is meant to delight children but is in fact utterly terrifying.
This has been reinforced by popularity of The Joker, the rise of the Juggalo nation, and real-life psychos like John Wayne Gacy.
But as scary as clowns get, they've got nothing on ventriloquist dummies. Ventriloquist dummies are the worst.
Maybe you're thinking "no way, they're not scary, just sorta weird." Maybe you're thinking of a dummy like this, which is a little unsettling but not exactly horrifying.
But the truth is, dummies like that are an outlier. Most ventriloquist dummies are sinister, distorted simulacrums of humanity like this awful little dummy right here.
Most ventriloquist dummies are part uncanny valley, and part bad acid trip.
And for some reason, most old-timey dummies look like total dirtbags.
Apparently everyone in the early 20th century assumed that kids would love anything that looked and acted like their sleaziest drunk uncles.
Even the "classy" dummies look like they're up to no good.
(Here's that same dummy in blackface, to really amp up the awfulness of it all.)
Would you let the flesh-and-blood version of this evil perv lure your daughter into his weird box?
He's whispering "nothing matters, life doesn't matter, we all become dust" in her ear.
And no, the female dummies were no less disturbing.
Ugh, just keep this creepy girl dummy away from the "toddlers."
Go ahead and try to make it through even one minute of this without wanting to scream, or die.
There's just something very troubling when you see humans posing with these dummies like they're actually people.
It's even worse when the dummies are made to be...sensual.
Here we are in the 21st century, and we haven't improved ventriloquist dummies even a little bit. Still totally repugnant!
But at least these days they're rare, and not, like, at the center of popular culture.
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