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Create A Bizarre Boyfriend And We'll Reward You With A Hot Celeb Boyfriend

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  1. How tall should this guy be?
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    0'6"
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    1'5"
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    6'9"
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    7'8"
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    8'4"
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    9'9"
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    145'3"
  2. What is his best physical quality?
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    Tender glutes
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    Ice-cold skin
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    Soft, chalky teeth
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    Jelly bones
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    Rock-hard toes
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    Physically immaterial and intangible like a ghost
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    Glow-in-the-dark testicles
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    Prehensile dong
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    Tiny delicate tongue
  3. What does he do any time he sees your private parts?
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    He starts putting more clothes on, like, another pair of pants over the pants he's wearing
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    Pulls out a guitar and plays the main riff from Guns N' Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle"
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    His eyes glow red
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    He says "I'm not ready for THIS jelly" off to the side, as though he's looking directly into a camera
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    He starts crying and then needs to be comforted like a small child
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    He recites "The Lord's Prayer" in Latin three times in a row
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    Falls to his knees and chants "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy"
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    Whistles the theme song from Jurassic Park
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    Pauses, stares for a moment, and then asks "...what's THAT?"
  4. What does he do for a living?
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    He plays the bongos in Maroon 5
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    Semi-professional beer pong player
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    Sells knockoff Tide Pods on the black market
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    He says he rides the "choo-choo train"
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    Designs clothing for walruses and manatees
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    Cult leader
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    Bird watcher
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    Has a business writing "artisanal small-batch" spam emails
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    Philosopher
  5. What is a random nice thing about him?
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    Speaks in rhyme
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    Speaks in riddles
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    Surprisingly good at line dancing
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    He's almost always silent
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    He does a pretty decent Austin Powers impression
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    Good with math, usually
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    He doesn't use any social media
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    Makes his own drugs
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    Very good at playing the bagpipes
  6. What does he have in his bedroom?
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    Various types of lube on tap, like the condiment station at a fast food restaurant
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    One of those beds that looks like a race car that they make for little boys, but adult-sized
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    A framed, autographed photograph of a nude Guy Fieri
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    He lives in a lean-to in the woods behind the supermarket so it seems awfully generous to call it a "bedroom," but he DOES have a blanket
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    The walls, floor, and ceiling are all mirrors
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    An incredibly life-like wax statue of his mother with a disapproving look on her face
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    It is a completely empty room except for a picture of a choo-choo train taped up to one of the walls
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    He has about 100 pet slugs
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    An elaborate shrine in tribute to Nicolas Cage
  7. Finally, what's this special guy's name?
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    Groose
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    Grudgebert
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    MONSTERTHICKBURGER
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    Rindy
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    The Gippy Boy
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    Sweetcheekz
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    Spotify
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    Hickory Ham Mike
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    Jpeg

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