Note: This post contains mention of body dysmorphia.
We don't often acknowledge how men struggle with self-image since, unless they fit an unrealistic superhero mold, society discourages men from talking openly about their bodies. So I recently asked men of the BuzzFeed Community how they've experienced body-shaming in their lives.
While the responses were heartbreaking, they were incredibly eye-opening. It's an important conversation to have, so here are some of your experiences with body-shaming:
1. "I was a member of my college's second division track and field team. We had two different coaches during my time. The first coach was great. She was accepting of everyone and their skill levels, and was a super patient and understanding coach. The second coach came from coaching first division and was more geared towards winning at all costs. This coach called a meeting with me and said, 'We love having you on the team, but we know that you aren't the best athlete and don't take working out as serious as others.' While I was in shape technically from working out all the time, my body didn't look like the big huge muscle sprinters that you see on the Olympics. I was never the same after that conversation."
2. "My mom was always very image-focused, and felt how I looked was a reflection of her as a parent. So she was very restrictive with what I ate growing up. Once I got to college, I had 24/7 access to anything I wanted: Beer, pizza, wings, fast food, all of it. I ended up weighing almost 350 pounds. It took some time, but I was able to drop the weight, and am holding steady at about 215. Even with the weight lost, and a better diet and exercise, I still spend most days viewing myself as obese, and have been reluctant to wear more fitted clothes, or eat something extra or unhealthy without feeling guilty. It’s not a great feeling."
3. "As a young gay kid, I was always a bit bigger mostly due to my lack of interest in sports. I’ve been called everything from 'big-boned' to 'chubby' and 'pudgy.' I got the worst of it from my father. He really made it clear that me being overweight and gay was a shameful thing. When I came out as gay in college, that fat-stigma really stuck with me and hit me hard emotionally. It felt like if you weren’t a masculine, fit, white male, it was hard for anyone to find you remotely attractive. And men on dating apps were particularly rude about my appearance. So I’ve spent a greater portion of my life hating myself, my weight, and what I look like from the bullying I received from my father and others in the gay community."
4. "The second I'm confronted about my weight gain, it immediately ruins my sex drive. I become too ashamed to take off my shirt or be touched."
5. "Throughout high school and college, I weighed in at 140 pounds. I'm 5'10" for reference. No matter what I did, I couldn't gain weight. I was always told to 'enjoy it while I could,' but other guys called me 'small' and 'scrawny.' I saw everyone else develop muscles while I simply stayed thin. Now, nearly 10 years later, I find myself working out five days a week, taking multiple types of protein and supplements, and still seeing the scrawny, weak kid in the mirror."
6. "It was the early 2000s. I was 6’3” and 330 pounds. I walked into an Abercrombie & Fitch to buy my nephew a shirt for his birthday. The shirtless dude at the front of the store looked at me and said, 'You won’t find anything to fit you. You might as well not come in.'"
7. "I have been fat-shamed my entire life. I was always a chubby kid even though I played sports and stayed active. And being the fat kid on the field makes you a target. I was mocked mercilessly by older kids. I remember drinking meal replacement shakes and trying the Atkins diet in middle school to lose weight. That stuff stays with you. I'm lucky I never resorted to more drastic weight loss efforts because the bullying really did wreck me emotionally. I would go home in tears some days because of it. In college, I was in ROTC before going into the Navy. And much like youth sports teams, the military is full of really thin, fit people. Being one of the fatter ones, I didn't get taken seriously. It's like there's this stigma that since being thin is desirable, if you're unable to attain it, then you're probably not able to do anything right."
8. "I've always been on the bigger side, but I hide it with larger clothes and sucking in. Some of the most toxic things that I've experienced as far as body-shaming goes have been from my family. If I have a snack, or a slightly larger than average meal, my parents will tell me that my behavior is unhealthy even though they're obese themselves. And when I complained to them that my younger sister, who has always been skinny, wouldn't stop calling me fat, they told me I was 'too sensitive,' and so my little sister would call me fat right in front of them. When I inevitably got pissed, it was my fault. The 'truth' hurts, especially when it's your own family gaslighting you."
9. "I was going for a jog around the neighborhood, something I hadn’t done in years due to having cancer. I was slowly getting back into shape, mostly by eating whole foods and yoga, when I thought, 'Why not go for a run?' I didn’t care about distance, and I told myself I could run for 10 minutes. I was really proud of myself. As I was wrapping up my run, my neighbor hollered that I was making everyone else look bad and 'didn’t need to run' because 'I was so skinny.' I haven’t ran outside since and only do workouts alone now in fear of judgment from others."
10. "One of the worst types of body-shaming I've received over the years has been from other gay men over things that I cannot change about myself, like the size of my dick, the color of my hole, or my height. It's taken a lot of personal work to love myself as I am, but every so often, someone comes along and tries to damage my self-esteem with their carelessness."
11. "I was always a fat kid, and when I was a teen, my mom told me, 'No woman will ever love you 'cause you are fat.' That hurt me and sometimes still does. Well, joke is on her 'cause turns out I am gay, and I found a gay sub-culture of bears. They accept all body sizes, and I've been in a relationship with my partner for 14 years. So what if I am thick and curvy!"
12. "I have always been a scrawny kid growing up. Growing up in my community, greetings are always followed with a comment about body. For example, 'How are you? You’ve gained weight. You should slim down.' In my case, it has always been, 'You are too thin, don't look your age, you should gain weight.' Once I started working, I took up CrossFit and Olympic lifting and gained considerable muscle. I don't get comments about being thin anymore, but I constantly feel like I am still thin and should gain more weight."
13. I had a 'dad bod' as a teenager, and my parents would constantly make comments about my sugar intake and how I should try and be more active. I was not horribly overweight by any means. According to Google, I was just barely in the overweight BMI for my height. But I come from a family of skinny in-shape people. My parents fed us healthy food, and I ate well for the most part, though no matter what I tried I couldn't look like them. I exercised regularly. Even when I ran cross-country, I couldn't shed the weight. I hated my body and still don't have the healthiest relationship with it. I also get nervous taking my shirt off or swimming in front of people because my 'best friend' from childhood once made a comment about the appearance of my nipples in the middle school gym locker room while we were changing. Really random source of an insecurity, but even after 20 years, it still hits as hard as the day he said it."
14. "I've read articles on here about '32 Olympic bulges giving us thirst' or '24 sets of Olympic washboard abs we'd do our laundry on' and dwelled on how I compared."
15. "For me, it’s being unable to buy any clothes that fit me. I’m 5’0" and skinny, so I usually have to buy children’s clothes. I got made fun of a lot for my size when I was younger. It would be nice if smaller, petite guys had more representation in media and fashion."
16. "As a child, I was constantly bullied for being fat. Not just by the children, either. I had adults telling me I needed to lose weight. My own mother called me a 'fat pig' sometimes. Now as an adult, when there was food in the office break room and I showed up, people would say, 'Uh-oh, better hurry and get some food!' Before I ate it all, that is. The result of all this was that I became convinced I was just a bag of flab that nobody could possibly find attractive. That just made me get depressed, give up, and eat even more."
17. "I have always been overweight. Probably from about the age of 12 on. I was wearing size 36 pants by the time I entered high school. I was teased relentlessly for being overweight, to the point that taking my shirt off in public was terrifying. Being gay makes it so much more difficult because during the time I was growing up, it was drilled into my head that unless I was skinny or fit, I was not welcome in most gay spaces. The looks of disgust or judgement from anyone is sometimes too intense. I didn't realize how intense my body dysmorphia was until I was talking with a friend and said, 'I would legitimately rather wear a gay rainbow shirt and risk getting beat up or worse, than wear a tank top or a tight shirt.' Sad times."
18. "I was skinny as a child, and started gaining weight around 10 years of age. Not in an unhealthy way, but just becoming a little chubby. By the time I was in high school, I was at my heaviest. I remember once during freshman year, our height and weight were being taken during P.E., and one of my classmates told me I needed to buy a bra to cover my man-boobs. That comment really stuck with me and made me become really self-conscious about my body, something I never had been before. Even my own parents would constantly comment on my weight and how I needed to work hard to lose weight if I ever wanted to get a girlfriend. When I was a young adult in college, one time my mom gifted me with a really nice outfit that was too small for me. I asked her if that was the only size they had, and she told me that she purposefully got it smaller so that that would motivate me to lose weight."
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
StopBullying.gov is an organization that provides resources to prevent harassment and bullying against children. Stomp Out Bullying offers a free and confidential chat line here.
The National Eating Disorders Association helpline is 1-800-931-2237; for 24/7 crisis support, text “NEDA” to 741741.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.