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There's a lot of life experience that comes with living as a woman, so I always listen when the women in my life offer advice.
So I was very interested when u/thefirststep999 asked women over 30 years old, "What’s one thing you now understand about life that you didn’t before?" There were so many illuminating responses that the comment section was glowing, so here are some that stood out:
1. "I'm 37. I don't care about getting a college degree, having kids, buying a home, getting married, being liked by people. Life is OK, and good. Everything will work out how it's going to work out."
2. "'The grind' has consequences. I subscribed to the idea of 'sleep when you’re dead.' I was proud to be pursuing multiple degrees and sleeping every other day. I was proud to be invested in fit culture and restricted myself. Now I have an autoimmune disease that’s extremely sensitive to stress, developed an eating disorder, and ended up changing my entire career to cater to my happiness, so 'the grind' wasn’t even necessary. I was too busy to even make lasting friendships during those years, and I had to unlearn a lot of toxic social behaviors because competition seemed so real in the bubble. It’s off-putting in the real world."
3. "Make sure you can take care of yourself before you ever entrust your care to someone else. Don’t pin your survival solely on someone else’s paycheck. Everything changes, including people — you can think you know someone’s heart and soul better than your own, not understanding that 10 years later they’ll be a complete stranger to you. You could do everything right, and life might still take a huge shit all over you. A lot of it comes down to dumb luck. Practice gratitude every day for what you do have, or else it’s very easy to forget how lucky you are."
4. "Nobody is going to come and save you. Never put your happiness and worth on a man."
5. "The people you surround yourself with have a huge effect on you, your mental health, your physical health, and how you think. Set boundaries and choose people who respect them, as well as have their own boundaries. Cut out toxic people, even if they aren’t trying to be toxic. If you feel worse after interacting with them, they need to go. You only get one life; don’t spend it trying to solve other people’s problems."
6. "Our parents are just people trying their best. If possible, try to see them the same way you see your friends: They may have made mistakes in the past, or made some poor choices, but they usually did the best with what they had. If your BFF told you they did or said those same things, would you be as upset with them as you are with your folks? Unless it's about abuse or neglect, not likely. Our parents have never been in their 60s, 70s, and beyond before either, so they are also constantly facing new realities of old age, just as we are with our own adulthood."
7. "Don't sacrifice yourself for a job or career. Your employer is never grateful, and they'll replace you in a second if anything happened to you."
8. "That I should be more important to me than my family or my partner. I used to put everyone else first, and in the end no one did that for me. People will eat you alive if they can."
9. "At a certain point in my life, it felt like there was nothing left to accomplish. I went to school, got the degree, landed a stable career, and eventually asked myself, '...Now what?' Don't neglect the things in your life that aren't goal-oriented — your hobbies, your friends, the health and well-being of your body. The goals you have really are meaningless in the end, or the goalposts keep moving, but the people and things you enjoy spending your time on actually last."
10. "That being a woman has always, and will always be, harder than being male."
11. "All I have to rely on in this life is myself. I had to stop hoping for somebody to come and be my person, or for somebody to be there to catch me. So I’ve learned to take amazing care of myself and my kids, and I’m really good at it. I’m the most content and least anxious I’ve ever been."
"I also just accepted that I don't need to find my 'forever person,' and I needn't waste energy trying. It's so liberating. I've been taking care of myself and my kids; so content with our little life and our plans for the future. There's a great deal of peace that comes with letting go of that hypothetical person." —u/carbqween
12. "It's not rude to say no. Nobody is entitled to your time and attention."
13. "I worked in the aerospace industry for many years, and it's 99% men. I spent so much time and energy outside my actual job trying to get more women hired, making sure we had a seat at the table and a voice, as well as generally trying to raise awareness of equity and inclusion. It wasn't until I left and started working at a company that was egalitarian from its inception that I realized how emotionally and physically exhausting that previous job was. I thought I was making a difference and forging a path for other women. Turns out I was just wasting my time and energy."
14. "Nobody actually cares about you. Everyone is too wrapped up in themselves, especially after the pandemic. Everyone is finding themselves and dealing with their own baggage. You do you, and don't worry about what others might think...because they don't actually care about what you think of them."
"And friends will stick with you no matter what." —u/leofoxx
15. "I don’t have to maintain all relationships. Good friendships will still be there even if it’s been six months since we talked."
16. "Embrace the phase! You feel like writing a story? Or want to learn how to repair a radio? You want to see if knitting is for you, or to learn to paint this one animal? Do it, and do it now. Interests come in phases; their appeal dies off after a while. So if you have that one thing (or 10) you've always wanted to try, no matter how silly it is, do it. Do not postpone 'until you have time off' or 'the kids are out of the house.' Use the momentum and get to it. If you fail, you will have achieved that you have tried what most others didn't. And if you succeed, you can teach others about what you love."
17. "Change can be easier as you get older. I was always told you have to work really hard as a young person because your brain is most malleable. By 24 years old, you become more rigid and set as a full-blown adult. However, I decided to try University when I was 24, and found it not too difficult. I am implementing new hobbies and incorporating interpersonal change so much easier because my brain is not on fire with youth! Being young is like an over saturation of stimuli. The older I get, the more my brain seems to calm down. It's so relieving."
18. "It is absolutely OK not to have children."
19. "You can make your own rules. In your 20s, you're taught to fit in to someone else's framework. By your 30s, you realize you can make your own framework for life, and other people can choose to be in it if they want to. Turns out that 'If you build it, they will come' really is good advice."
20. "I learned to understand that moms are people too, and at some point you can push them too far. For me, that point was when I was 37 years old with a 15-year-old. Even though, for almost two decades, I haven't taken a breath without thinking of him first, he thinks his friends are the only people in the world that matter, that his mom is a nag, and drugs are cool. As a mom, all I can say with a sigh is, 'No, and you will understand when you have kids.'"
21. "I learned that other women aren’t the enemy, and that being feminine is not a bad thing. I will admit that in high school I found myself embodying the 'I’m not like other girls' trope. I didn’t wear a lot of makeup or wear cute clothes, and I had a lot of guy friends — that for some god-forsaken reason made me feel better than other women my age at the time. How wrong I was. All I really wanted was for people to think that I was smart, and for people to take me seriously, and I was brainwashed to believe that if you were girly you could not be those things. I have finally learned that embracing your femininity doesn’t make you less than, and the other women out there are just trying their best too — we can be even stronger when we support and rely on one another."
22. "It's way easier to do things than undo them. Getting into credit card debt, gaining weight, getting cavities, having high cholesterol and becoming pre-diabetic, being inactive, and creating bad habits — all of these are super easy, and a lot them happen passively. They're the result of not being proactive. Paying off debt, losing weight, lowering your blood pressure and cholesterol, getting root canals, throwing out your back from inactivity, breaking bad habits — these are all super-fucking difficult and a lot more unpleasant. You will save yourself a world of hurt by building good habits from the get-go."
23. "Seek peace. Enjoy the peaceful moments, rather than seeking happiness. Happiness is not all it’s cracked up to be. Take steps to get yourself to a place of peace so your creativity and goals and happiness can truly flourish, and then you can deal with hard times from a place of balance."
24. "Looking back, a lot of situations I found myself in before were rape and non-consensual. It took me a long time to realize I was being taken advantage of in certain situations. Now I know better to see the flags and won't keep my mouth shut next time. The statute of limitations of my state is only two fucking years, which is insane and criminal. Next time, I will put my foot down and not give in to avoid a potentially awkward encounter. I understand that sometimes it seems easier to give in out of fear that I'll be overpowered or hurt physically, but I think fighting back can help these guys realize that what they're doing is fucked up. No one should just take it."
25. "Beware of 'ego love' that blinds you of red flags. I am 33 years old, and I just crossed over to seeing marriage as something nice to have rather than something I need. The latter coming from insecurity and a magnet of ego love, the kind that pumps you up at the glimpse of a potential and is all roses and butterflies...but then shatters into pieces soon after. I see many people falling into the same trap, and it’s because we have been led to believe of the existence of a 'one' who fits like a puzzle piece, who makes us 'whole' and transforms our miserable lives. I blame TV for this."
26. "Being single in your 30s isn't just OK — it's great. Dating in my 30s was tons easier than in my 20s. People have grown up, or not, and it's easier to tell who people are. Most people have had some serious relationships and hopefully learned from them. Lots of people have had setbacks and learned that life isn't just about hitting a series of milestones. Or they haven't learned those things, but it's clear and easy to avoid them. More and more people are waiting longer to get married and have kids. I used to think being single in my 30s would be horrible and embarrassing. I didn't know anyone who was single past 25. I am so glad I didn't move in with or marry any of my boyfriends in my 20s, and I'm so grateful that each one of those relationships ended."
27. "You will not necessarily like every aspect of your partner. You have to decide if you love the parts you do like enough to forgive those you don’t."
28. "Eating a nice meal by yourself or drinking coffee can definitely make you feel happier."
29. "There’s not an award for winning a fight. Even if you feel you’re right and the other person is wrong, it’s usually best to either walk away to someone who doesn’t matter, or have an actual discussion with someone you care about to discuss what happened and why it got that way. My husband and I rarely fight anymore because it doesn’t get to that point. If I did something to hurt him, I apologize, and vice versa."
30. "Despite advances, we still live in a world that doesn’t welcome women or make it easy for us to be safe. It is imperative that we know how to advocate for ourselves in love, work, and health. When in doubt, or when you’re being self-critical, ask yourself: What would a man do? The answer is very likely below the standards you impose on yourself, and you’ll gain confidence in what you’ve done so far. Acting like your presence is a gift sets the tone. Men are generally weaker than women, but they have advantages we don’t have. So, listen to your intuition — it’s a powerful tool."
31. "That I am dumb and have anxiety, depression, and learning disabilities. And that’s OK! I learned how they work in the brain. That really helped me in my work life. I don’t feel bad for asking the person to repeat themselves or asking for more time. Because that’s what my needs are. I will learn. I will get to the goal. I just get there in a different way. I can speak for myself in a positive light."
32. "Just because you can do something well, doesn’t mean you have to do it. You can be the best in your town at something, but if your passion and goals pull you toward something else, that may be a better path for you. Not all of your potential needs to be realized. Open the doors that lead to the future you want."
33. "Learn to accept criticism as an opportunity to improve and grow. Listen to other points of view before you react with negativity or assumptions. Things are not always simply black or white, but often there's a whole lotta gray area you need to consider. There is so much you don't know or understand, and that's OK, as long as you're open to learning!"
34. "It's OK to market yourself. I was taught to be humble to the point where I undermined myself and had poor self-esteem due to being brought up that way. My parents gave stupid advice, and yes they would always talk bad about me to others if they attempted to give me a compliment and tell me people were lying to me. Now, I'm not lying or exaggerating when I accurately represent my accomplishments and skills."
35. "True love does not come only with happiness and relief. It also takes a lot of work. You learn so much about yourself, and you need to accept and love your partner even when there is boredom, routine, difficulties, and a lack of motivation. I learned that being single is as good as being in a good relationship. I wish I didn't crave so much a healthy relationship when I was single. But I feel blessed to have my partner and overall someone that stays even when I'm having bad days."
What advice resonated with you the most? What advice would you add to this list? Let me know in the comments!
And Happy International Women's History Month!
