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1. Stealing sugar packets, napkins, straws, and other necessities from nearby coffee joints. It’s an efficient way to restock, and besides, you’re such a loyal customer, don’t you deserve some extra rewards?
2. You’ve compiled a list of decent stripper names, should you ever decide to go that route. Even though you're more likely to fall off a stage that dance on it.
3. Using your friend’s sorority jacket and going door to door, asking for donations to an upcoming fundraiser that doesn’t exist, and neither does your shame, you horrible, dollar hungry human.
4. You try to pit pocket the people that you grind on at bars. Or hope that, if you throw it back hard enough, someone will make it rain on you.
5. Adding pasta sauce, eggs, and vegetables to your ramen, that way, it feels like a real meal, and not like a sad attempt to feed your angry stomach.
6. Swearing that you see pieces of noodles in the blocks of shit you pop out, because even your digestive system has had enough of your repetitive dinners.
7. Trying to preserve your final meal swipes, which is the equivalent of trying to preserve your sweat while taking that steaming shit.
8. Wrapping birthday presents for your roommates in newspaper, because ain’t nobody got time to break the bank at Target, buying bags that costs more than the gifts you got them.
9. Your gas tank laughs at you every time you get into your car.
10. The monthly struggle of deciding whether your eyebrows, hair, or wardrobe is gonna be on fleek, because you can only afford to pamper one fragment of your appearance.
11. You borrow your friend’s clothes when you go out, because the fact that you’ve worn the same three outfits on rotation is ruining your ability to Instagram pictures from the night.
12. Ordering everything on a date and blaming having not eaten all day, which is not an excuse. You seriously haven’t eaten all day.
13. Flirting with frat boys just so you can be invited upstairs to take shots, because you’ve got finer taste than jungle juice, and who knows, maybe you can cop a bottle if they pass out on the couch.
14. Showing up to all the free events, where they have free pizza that looks so good on in the box, but feels even better down your throat, as you scarf three slices and leave before someone notices.
15. Beauty routine suffering so bad that you look less like a fresh faced scholar and more like one of those creatures from Where the Wild Things Are.
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