As Coachella draws near, my inbox becomes crammed with useless festival style suggestions from retailers. Of course, they’re begging me to buy the usual hippie-dippy, fringey-dingy skimpwear, hoping to capitalize on my desire to get as “free-spirited” as possible. Thanks, but no thanks. A girl really only needs one sheer midriff beaded-fringe crop top to get by — the kind that handily doubles as part of a slutty Halloween costume in the fall.
For some reason, “festival style” has stagnated, bypassing the fickle temperament of the fashion zeitgeist. You’d assume that boho died years ago along with the Sienna Miller era of 2005-2006. Yet it thrives at summer music festivals, where homogenous hordes of youth and bare skin come together in a dystopian summer-of-love nightmare that looks nothing like 1969. But no matter what type of festival goer you are, there’s no reason to re-purchase that crocheted vest, even if your old one’s still caked with mud from last year.
Sorry, do I sound like I hate music festivals? Maybe I’m just the type to stay in a hotel rather than live in a teepee, and find more enjoyment in eating a giant spiral french fry on a stick than taking ecstasy before the Deadmau5 set. (Yes, ironically while festival style devolves, festival cuisine is really pushing boundaries.)
5. GIANT SPIRAL FRENCH FRY ON A STICK
But you don’t have to wear the same nonsense to this summer’s festivals that you’ve worn the past five years! Here are my tips for updating Ye Olde Summer Festival looks.
7. Tired Look #1: Feather Accessories
Feather earrings and feather headdresses — with moccasins — likely turned these women into VIP tent exiles.
10. Tired Look #2: The Flag Motif
13. Tired Trend #3: Teeny-Tiny Cut-Offs
I know what these ladies are thinking. “Any shorts are acceptable as long as they have enough surface area to fit my backstage pass sticker.” No. Not acceptable. You’re killing cut-offs! I didn’t think cut-offs would ever go out of style, but thanks to Festival Season 2011, I’ve turned my back on cut-offs. Hmph!
15. Tired Trend #4: Crocheted Vests
You want to wear a sweater but it’s too hot. But you need SOMETHING.
18. Tired Trend #5: The Fringy Bag
We get it. You’re a free spirit. You want to feel your fringy hair and fringy accessories blowing in the dusty festival air. Except that the air actually feels kind of stagnant because you’re in a crowded space with thousands of dirty people who haven’t showered in a week, and all the stringy strands are sticking to your skin in the 105-degree heat. Plus, who wants to deal with long, unruly fringe in the Port-a-Potty? Gross.
20. Tired Trend #6: Midriffs
Let me go on the record as saying I have nothing against midriffs that span less than 6 inches. Any more than that and I can’t help but assume you’re one of Skrillex’s spazzy bra-throwing minions.
22. Tired Trend #7: Cowboy Boots
They really are the Uggs of the summer festival.
24. Tired Trend #8: Exposed Bras
Take a look in the mirror. Are you being haunted by Ghost Boobs?
30. Tired Trend #10: Headbands And Floppy Hats
Unless you are only attending a music festival to see Devendra Banhart and cry in the rain, there is no reason to continue with this hippie headwear.
33. Tired Trend #11: Face Paint
It’s the one thing that Coachella has in common with the Gathering of the Juggalos.