As Coachella draws near, my inbox becomes crammed with useless festival style suggestions from retailers. Of course, they're begging me to buy the usual hippie-dippy, fringey-dingy skimpwear, hoping to capitalize on my desire to get as "free-spirited" as possible. Thanks, but no thanks. A girl really only needs one sheer midriff beaded-fringe crop top to get by — the kind that handily doubles as part of a slutty Halloween costume in the fall.
For some reason, "festival style" has stagnated, bypassing the fickle temperament of the fashion zeitgeist. You'd assume that boho died years ago along with the Sienna Miller era of 2005-2006. Yet it thrives at summer music festivals, where homogenous hordes of youth and bare skin come together in a dystopian summer-of-love nightmare that looks nothing like 1969. But no matter what type of festival goer you are, there's no reason to re-purchase that crocheted vest, even if your old one's still caked with mud from last year.
Sorry, do I sound like I hate music festivals? Maybe I'm just the type to stay in a hotel rather than live in a teepee, and find more enjoyment in eating a giant spiral french fry on a stick than taking ecstasy before the Deadmau5 set. (Yes, ironically while festival style devolves, festival cuisine is really pushing boundaries.)
GIANT SPIRAL FRENCH FRY ON A STICK
But you don't have to wear the same nonsense to this summer's festivals that you've worn the past five years! Here are my tips for updating Ye Olde Summer Festival looks.