9 Boner Hacks You Never Knew You Needed

You'll never be erect-SHUN-ed again with this handy guide!

1. The classic upward belt tuck:

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Methodology: Discretely grab your member and position it so that is faces upward, parallel to the direction of your body, ideally under a belt.

Proper situations for use: If you are successfully concealing an erection while sitting, but know you are going to have to get up sooner than you’d like.

Risks: There is still a minor bulge, and if your shirt is not long enough, something might pop out.

Level of difficulty: 1 pitched tent (out of 5)

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2. The ol’ pocket side-grab:

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Methodology: Reach deep into your pocket like your keys are stuck down there, and grab that boner instead. Hold it against your leg all casual-like.

Proper situations for use: When you have to keep up with someone who is traveling faster than a slow crawl.

Risks: Penile pain and the risk of giving the false impression of a severe crotch rash.

Level of difficulty: 1 pitched tent (out of 5)

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3. The "I’m just casually going to keep my textbook here”:

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Methodology: Keep a large, hardcover book in front of your junk all 1930s middle-schooler-like. Do NOT move book from this position until you are positive it is safe to do so.

Proper situations for use: Ideal for any walking situation provided you can scrounge up a large hardcover book.

Risks: Poor posture, just like your mom warned you.

Level of difficulty: 1 pitched tent (out of 5)

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4. The "move so erratically that it’s hard to tell what’s going on in your pants" play:

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Methodology: When all else fails, jiggle everything around. Sure you’ll have a wagglin’ boner, but it might get lost in a sea of other jiggling parts.

Proper situations for use: Are you dancing at a club? Good, that’s the only time this is going to work.

Risks: It probably won’t work

Level of difficulty: 5 pitched tents (out of 5)

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5. The “Hey, look over there!” diversion:

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Methodology: Say “Hey, look over there!” If and when said person looks over there, run away.

Situations: Works great when you didn’t really want to be a part of the conversation anyway.

Risks: May increase an aire of mystery, but more likely it will make you look like a dick. Luckily said dick may come off as flaccid.

Level of difficulty: 2 pitched tents (out of 5)

Thinkstock / Alex Kasprak / BuzzFeed

6. The "fake-a-stomach-ache-crouch-walk":

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Methodology: Grab your stomach and hunch over like you had low-quality leftover Indian food last night. While you are down there, make sure you grab a bit of that boner of yours, too.

Proper situations for use: When you don't need to be a part of the conversation, and you could use a bit of misplaced sympathy.

Risks: Make sure you keep your eyes facing forward… you wouldn't want to trip boner-first, after all.

Level of difficulty: 3 pitched tents (out of 5)

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7. The "think about grandma gambit":

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Methodology: Doesn't have to be your grandma, but it does have to be a close family member—just focus real hard (ahem) on that person until your body realizes that boners and family thoughts are not compatible.

Proper situations for use: When you've got a boner but you also have enough time on your hands to let that shit run its course.

Risks: It might not work and then you will feel super icky.

Level of difficulty: 2 pitched tents (out of 5)

Thinkstock / Alex Kasprak / BuzzFeed

8. The "Oops, no, that's just my phone!":

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Methodology: Vehemently deny any pant bulge is boner related. Blame it on your new iPhone 6s. They are bigger, after all…

Proper situations for use: When you have already been found out, but you also have a big phone in your pocket.

Risks: Lack of commitment to the lie will make things worse than they already were.

Level of difficulty: 3 pitched tents (out of 5)

Thinkstock / Alex Kasprak / BuzzFeed

9. The moonwalk:

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Methodology: Buy yourself some boner-hiding time by doing a smooth-lookin’ moonwalk to a person who calls your name. Not only will you look fly, but you will also have time to come up with a boner-back-up plan.

Proper situations for use: When someone behind you wants your attention but you have a boner that would be way obvious in profile view.

Risks: You will probably look ridiculous even if you can dance, which you probably can’t.

Level of difficulty: 2 pitched tents (out of 5)

Thinkstock / Alex Kasprak / BuzzFeed