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24 Random Tweets That Will Take A Second For You To Register How Funny They Are

"Toss a church on me."

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I did a blood test to see how allergic I am to tree nuts and it came back and said I wasn’t allergic to them anymore. Today I went into the allergist and tried a cashew for the first time!! Long story short, I’m still allergic and I almost died. They called me a “rare case” 🙃

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What it’s like being the only one in the room high

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My dad wanted to make a reservation at a restaurant and they told him that they were completely booked, minutes later he called back claiming to be the prime minister of Morocco..... we got the best table in the place and the chef answer him to sign a plate and take a pic w him😭 https://t.co/Yx2hdlK5Zf

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Sitting in a bar in malia and we ask the guy to take a picture of us, and he was like do u want the dog in the pic, and we were like aye why not, result being https://t.co/E9gceO9qvk

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I just seen a post that said “After I pay my rent I like to stay home a few days and get my moneys worth”... I really felt that in my soul lol

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Someone decided to use a drone with a flamethrower to clear debris from power lines and now my life is complete

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I felt this shit on a personal level

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when I throw the box away with all the instructions to make the food before I even start cooking

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International House Of Boy have you lost yo mind cause I’ll help you find it!

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HmmHmmmRrRRmmmRrmmmhUUUuuuRRrrrrrMMMMMMMMMMMAAeehhhhM https://t.co/5jTyfsA4Yy

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I’m gonna show YOU how to shut the hell up and mind your business when no one asked for your opinion

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me & my best friend walking in to see the incredibles 2 after beating up kids in the parking lot

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Y’all please look at this video of a Chick-fil-A employee running down a car that drove off without part of their order. I am in tears😭😭😭 https://t.co/LieK4C1pwG

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ME: I look cute MIRRORS: you look cute STORE WINDOWS: you look cute OTHER PEOPLE: you look cute IPHONE FORWARD-FACING CAMERA: what’s up you Shrek-lookin bag of bitch

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I've been laughing at this biology joke for 10 minutes now: What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot? Mitosis https://t.co/2rg1BOE9Zc

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Whenever y’all say lebron is more influential than AI, just look at this ridiculous picture

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So I posted a picture of me wearing my brothers shirt today and he texted me asking if I was wearing his shirt and my response was “i dont know, it was in my laundry”. Not even 5 minutes later I received this picture.... https://t.co/k9ssIHX4f4