1. Here we go, it’s bedtime. Hopefully this won’t take too long.
2. I’ll be back downstairs to watch the film/game at 8 – no problem.
3. This is a moderate amount of screaming, I can deal with this.
4. I’m a great parent, this will be over in no time.
5. OK, it’s gone up a gear; this is a stage 5 screaming session.
6. Light bouncing and gentle singing is the only answer.
7. Does he need changing? No. Hungry? No. Just an aversion to sleep.
8. One day, son, you will love sleep and we won’t be able to get you out of bed.
9. That’s probably about the same time you’ll get into emo music, if that’s a cool retro thing to be into in 2027.
10. He’s been up all day, HOW DOES HE STILL HAVE ENERGY? HOW?
11. You have one job, baby, other than eating and doing poos – sleeping.
12. By the way, when did you get so HEAVY? My arms are KILLING me.
13. No, don’t pull my glasses off please. No, put the toy down; it’s bedtime.
14. Should I just give up and go downstairs? No, don’t give in. Stay strong.
15. No, no please don’t cry real tears – you’re killing me. He looks so anguished.
16. It’s quite cute that he touches my face when he’s tired, though.
17. But I’m now being slapped in the face by a baby who won’t go to sleep.
18. And I’ve been singing this same lullaby nonstop for an hour now. It’s imprinted on my brain forever.
19. I could do a dubstep remix of it and it wouldn’t make much difference. I’d still hate it.
20. He’s quieting down now, I’ll just have a cheeky look at my phone. I may one day finish that New Yorker article.
21. That is SO true about the death of the great American novel.
22. I genuinely wonder what parents did to amuse themselves before the advent of phones.
23. No, don’t eat my phone please, that’s not nice.
24. Fuck it, if it keeps him quiet he can eat it.
25. Nope, back with the screaming. Too good to be true.
26. Come ON, baby.
27. I hope he doesn’t wake his older siblings/all the neighbours/the world.
28. WHY WON’T YOU JUST SLEEP FFS?
29. I am a terrible parent, I will be here forever.
30. I am mad at a baby. It is ridiculous to be mad at a baby.
31. His sleepy crying is really quite cute. When he’s almost nodding off it sounds like the batteries are running out on a stereo.
32. I wonder what they do in France. Those babies just sleep all the time don’t they? Must be a myth.
33. Hang on, when did he get that mark on his head? DID I HARM MY CHILD SOMEHOW?
34. Oh he probably did it with his freakishly long and strong fingernails, which we only cut this morning.
35. I do remember what sleep is like, I think.
36. I am struggling, however, to know the difference between night and day.
37. Maybe this is it for me. Stood here, bouncing this baby, until the end of time.
38. OK, it’s like that is it? This means war. I might just crack open a Diet Coke to stay up and see this through.
39. Focus. Believe. You can do this.
40. Don’t make me pull out the big guns (a ride round the block in the buggy).
41. MY ARMS ARE KILLING ME.
42. Oh, he’s starting to drift off. And now I’m full of caffeine.
43. OK, let’s put you in the cot.
47. He’s so cute when he’s sleeping.
48. Although it is creepy when he sleeps with his eyes open.
49. OMG is he breathing?
50. HE’S NOT BREATHING HE’S NOT BREATHING HE’S NOT BREATHING.
51. OK he just farted, so he must be alive.
52. I’m going to walk away very slowly.
53. Must. Not. Step. On. A. Creaky. Floorboard.
54. So that’s that then…
55. I guess I’ll watch that film on catch-up.
56. Oh. OK, you weren’t sleeping after all. You are a massive fraud.
57. Let’s do this all over again.