14 Teeth-Curlingly Awkward But Funny Mumsnet Threads
From "Penis Beaker" to Center Parcs "bumfun", all life is here.
"He has eaten a fat ball and complained to me that it was a bit greasy. Sigh.
"The fuckwit has eaten the fatballs made by the children in a park last week and left in the fridge to solidify.
"I have no idea what culinary delight he thought they were supposed to be. I wouldn't mind but he was there when they made them!
"He is 48 years old FFS. Stuff like this isn't in marriage guidance leaflets."
"I considered name changing for this, but, fuck it.
"We have a dedicated post-sex cleanup area on the bedside table. A box of tissues, a small bin, and a beaker of clean water for temporary cleaning/dunking while the bathroom is occupied by me.
"Apparently our penis beaker is strange and not the done thing.
"Does everyone else just lay there in a sticky post coital glow until morning? Really?"
"So for the past four years I've been badgering DH [husband] for us to go to Center Parcs. He's been reticent on account of it being 'naff' and 'like Butlins but with trees' I disagree but anyway...
"Eventually we went to Center Parcs Longleat over the Christmas period (it was great) and I noticed that he had packed a tube of KY but didn't think anything of it. So we get back home and he makes some silly joke about 'no bumfun' despite 'my promises'.
"Now there is no way in hell anything is ever going up my back bottom so I questioned what he meant (assuming he was joking). And he said that 'according to Mumsnet' Center Parcs = anal sex. Apparently I had told him this over four years ago."
4. When someone claimed their partner made pirate noises during sex.
"Am too embarrassed to reveal my true identity but i am a bit freaked out by my dp. Recently he has begun to put on a strange voice during sex, e.g. 'Arr matey' in the style of that weird sea captain from The Simpsons?!
"The other one is 'Arr, the ship's a-dockin' and 'My lighthouse is tingling'
"There are various others along the same lines but i won't go into them all now.
"He is not a sailor btw, and has (AFAIK) no connection to seafaring folk.)
"Just wondering if i can say how uncomfortable this is making me feel (it's just f*ing weird IMO, but it seems to be turning him on!)"
6. The one where someone asked if it was unethical to invite someone to a BBQ who wasn't wearing a bra.
"Last night DH and i hosted a BBQ for newish friends whom we had never hosted before. DH invited a female colleague whom i had never met before. She turned up with her boyfriend but not her bra. She was wearing a thickish cotton white top. You could see the outline of her boobs and nipples if you looked.
"After the party i mentioned it to DH. He claimed to not have noticed."
"Am I being unreasonable to ask if you equate your partner masturbating to cheating?
"I had a friend who caught her husband masturbating to a porn. They went for counseling.
"Another friend found out hers masturbated to Game of Thrones. She banned him from watching it and told him he's effectively cheating on her and this is grounds for divorce
"Am I missing something?"
"Stay with me.
"Just started to spray paint a fence panel, must have startled poor pidge behind fence as it flapped up maniacally. I had a bit of a scream... whilst holding spray trigger.
"Pidge is now half 'oak brown', sitting in tree. Can't quite tell if he's OK, not giving much away with facial expression.
"Have Googled "accidentally painted a pigeon" with disappointingly unresourceful results.
"So, should i just chuck water at it & hope it comes off?? Turps would seem a little extreme."
10. The one where someone asked if their partner was deliberately eating fibre-rich cereal to get more "me time".
"OK, so I caught myself getting cross at hubby when on family holiday for having fruit and fibre for breakfast as he was 'obviously' trying to engineer more 'me time' on the loo away from the kids.
"Please, please tell me I'm not the only one to have picked THE most ludicrous fight? Other examples please....or am I a lone witch?..."
"Every night for the last two weeks my DD [daughter] (19mo) has been raging because I can't see an apparently invisible duck.
"She stands next to the head board of the bed and makes all manner of quacking noises and signs duck. I should explain that she doesn't do much talking, only animal noises and signing so far hmm."
"[Florence & The Machine Inspirational Music Intro]
"[Shots of young people doing parkour on walls with graffiti]
"Right I have 375 g of pearl barley left in my 500g bag and unless I get some VERY EXCITING and dramatic ideas of what the chuff to do with it the dds will be clearing it out from the top back shelf in 40 years time when I have snuffed it.