1. Stag do! Everyone loves a stag do. Except – they are an absolute nightmare to organise.
2. Whereas they once involved a night in a pub, stag dos now involve going to Riga, Prague or Amsterdam and cost SHITLOADS of money.
These are all places you would like to go to for an enjoyable weekend, not to do shots until you vomit into a canal at 3AM while someone sings "Don't Call Me Baby".
As soon as you hit 30 you have to go on four of them a year, minimum.
3. There's always a fancy dress code. Everyone looks like a complete bellend.
4. Then there's the tour t-shirts.
Everyone has their hilarious nickname on their back. "Eggs" = top lad.
Or the more recent variation of getting everyone to wear "shite shirts".
Stag t-shirts are the best proof anyone has found so far that human evolution is in reverse.
5. Then there's what the stag himself is forced to wear.
Like the classic – and from a Freudian perspective, quite revealing – baby outfit.
Could be worse though. You could be dressed as massive penis.
6. And of course a stag do would be nothing without the #bants.
And we're talking EPIC levels of banter.
Levels of mirth that could BREAK the bantomer.
#Off #The #Scale.
7. There may be a set of rules that all stag party members have to follow at all times, lest they face drink-based forfeits.
8. Bad behaviour is to be expected but someone always takes it too far.
Like, really too far.
9. Health and safety goes out the window.
10. A worrying number of people end up in jail, hospital or get left in Benidorm
11. But it's not enough to go to a city centre and get pissed, you have to take part in "activities" like paintballing or go-karting – while hungover.
12. Paintball really fucking hurts. And if you're the stag, everyone will try to shoot you.
Top tip: don't shoot the stag in the knackers.
13. You may have to endure going to a strip club. In your head you think you might enjoy it.
But it turns out to be the most soul-destroyingly awful thing you've ever done.
This is where the stag's "mates" arrange for him to be humiliated. On stage. By a stripper.
After being stopped in your minibus on the way back from one of your activities, the stag will be confronted by several uniformed officers who will search him and find a bag of pure, grade-A, Colombian baking powder. Once they've cuffed him up, he'll endure a horrific 5-10 minute blindfolded journey (with calming Russian rock music blaring in the car) to a maximum security police dungeon where he'll be sat on a chair and handcuffed to a post.Having most likely soiled himself and long abandoned any delusions of maintaining his dignity, it only seems right the tearful stag gets a nice surprise at the end of his ordeal. There are only two things on the face of the earth that could possibly turn that experience into anything close to resembling a positive and those are, of course, frosty beers and naked chicks.The stag will find himself surrounded by nubile, clothing-shy hotties offering him some much needed alcoholic refreshments and will have no choice but to sit tight until his 'mates' to turn up with the key and let him loose.