It’s summer. It’s time for wankers to descend on parks everywhere. These include:
16. The dog people.
Nothing against your dog, but I’m trying to relax and he’s humping my leg.
15. Anyone who does business meetings or networking in the park.
13. People with unruly children who won’t stop screaming or hurting each other somehow.
12. Trendy young people drinking Red Stripe and talking about how they love 90s things.
London Fields in Hackney is the national centre for this kind of activity.
10. Masochists who do military fitness classes led by a shouty instructor.
9. The “hey let’s put a tightrope between these trees for some reason” people.
8. The overly amorous couple who are stretching public decency laws to their most extreme limits.
7. A couple having a passionate argument, containing phrases like “I just don’t know where we’re at anymore.”
6. People who play frisbee in an ever-increasing circle around you so it always flies JUST ABOVE your head.
5. People who do a wee anywhere they want.
“Hey it’s like being at a circus” - no one, ever.
3. People who do poi (those things on the end of strings that swing around your head).
If you’re on drugs on a Thai island, this can be quite cool. In a park in Leicester, not so much.
2. Guitar people, with their meandering plonky noise.
Just the musical accompaniment that no one was looking for. Extra spotter points given if any Bob Marley song is played.