Dear Men, Please Stop Wearing Cargo Shorts

This is not a drill.

1. A deadly plague has infected America for far too long now.

*Puts on hazmat suit*

2. It’s contaminated our neighborhoods…

Suburbia hasn’t been the same since.

3. …and killed men off in the comfort of their own homes.

Dads everywhere are at highest risk.

4. Even our pets have been traumatized.

That cat is obviously terrified.

5. Scientists call this plague “cargo shorts,” and we must finally kill this infection once and for all.

Many have already fallen, but we can save so many more.

6. Luckily, the fashion world has been tirelessly working on a cure for quite some time now. Men, say hello to every other pair of shorts in existence.

Finally some relief!

7. Non-cargo shorts are actually pretty incredible inventions.

Non-cargo shorts > color TV.

8. They let you show off some extra leg…

“Sun’s out, thighs out.”

9. …or your colorful personality.

Make all your cargo-wearing friends green with envy.

10. You can dress ‘em up…

Yes, shorts are a ~look~.

11. …or keep it street casual.

12. Hell, you can even cut up some old jeans and they’ll still look better.

Shorts made out of a shower curtain would also look better.

13. It’s really not that difficult.

Really.

14. Some skeptics will try to convince you that cargo shorts are practical, but at what cost?

It’s not worth it.

15. You deserve better.

16. Your legs deserve better.

17. So help in the fight to end cargo shorts by doing all you can to avoid them. You won’t regret it.

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