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Bob Scott may be dying and here’s why you should care

9 times he proved he’s the undisputed master of social media storytelling

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When Robert Foster Scott revealed last week that he’s in the midst of a “health scare,” he speculated it was all because of a recent episode when, lost in Wisconsin, he had no choice but to eat six gallons of rancid mayonnaise spread on tree bark and wrapped in his homemade linen/rayon blend shorts.

“You may be thinking, ‘Bob Scott, this all sounds hard to swallow,’” he wrote on Instagram of the incident, “but I was fortunate enough to be able to wash it all down by drinking my own pee.”

If by now you’re asking, “Who is Bob Scott?” you’re far from alone. It’s a question even his most ardent social media follower might pose, because, you see, no one seems to know for sure.

That’s because he’s performance art. Since first appearing in August 2013, his Twitter account has amassed somewhere around a staggering 11,800 personal tweets, and his Instagram account 200+ posts, all contributing to elaborate world-building and characterization usually reserved for other mediums.

Here are nine times that have proved there is no one better at social media storytelling than him.

1. The Baghdad Bra Company

© Bob Scott CPA / Via Twitter: @BobScottCPA

After a surprisingly successful stint as a Victoria Secret’s bra fitter, Bob Scott moved to Iraq to bring peace to the Middle East through better fitting brassieres. (The constant agitation of people in that part of the world, he reasoned, all stemmed from women’s ill-fitted undergarments.) His efforts unfolded not only in his own social media accounts, but also in the official Twitter feed for the Baghdad Bra Company, culminating in a frantic anniversary event that was doomed to fail from the very beginning.

The story of the sad, tragic end of the Baghdad Bra Company has been collected here.

2. The battle of the church choirs

© Bob Scott CPA / Via

Determined to put his exemplary vocal skills to the test, Bob Scott assembled a rival church choir to compete with the existing choir, which he considered “pretty shitty.” He succeeded in embarrassing and overthrowing them, but that success was tainted with a supreme amount of arrogance, and he eventually found himself competing against a rival choir to his rival choir, led by his mentally-unbalanced friend Marv.

The entire story of Bob Scott’s battle of the church choirs has been collected here.

3. The haunted devil doll

© Bob Scott CPA / Via

Led on a winding maze of discoveries by a safe deposit box key left to him by his dead mother who wasn’t actually dead (long story), nor even his mother (even longer story), Bob Scott recovered millions of dollars in Nazi gold. But it proved to be a doll from her childhood that presented an even bigger mystery. Within a month, he was hearing it sing German lullabies in his closet, until one night — as depicted in this terrifying CGI recreation made by his friend Lem — its spectral image floated out and revealed to him what, or, more importantly, who was controlling it.

4. His 3rd marriage

© Bob Scott CPA / Via

After spending months trying to squirm out of marrying a 19-year-old who claimed to be carrying his child, Bob Scott was gunned down on his wedding day live on Twitter. He spent weeks in the hospital, first in a coma, then semi-conscious, yet completely unable to use the letter ‘E’. Oh, and he thought he was back in 1996, married to his first wife Patricia, and wracked with guilt over being unable to save rapper Tupac Shakur from a hail of bullets. Once fully recovered, he live-tweeted a hypnosis session that exposed the truth about his assassination attempt and began him on the road to exposing his scheming wife’s fake pregnancy and intricate plan to abscond with his mother’s hidden fortune.

5. Kidnapped by a crazed super-fan

© Bob Scott CPA / Via

In a page right out of a Stephen King novel, Bob Scott was abducted in January 2015 by a deranged super-fan and square dance aficionado who forced him to wear a crotchless gorilla suit and write erotic tweets dedicated to their “love.” After a botched escape attempt and multiple baths with the woman’s adult children, his family and friends managed to locate him and execute a daring rescue that resulted in the death of Bob’s ex-best friend Teddy.

The whole harrowing story of Bob Scott’s abduction and rescue has been collected here.

6. Adventures in bum fighting

© Bob Scott CPA / Via Twitter: @BobScottCPA

Unemployed and desperate after being fired from his job as the manager of seven people, Bob Scott found himself earning quick cash by using his mastery of Judo and modern dance agility movements to fight other bums in a secret underground bum fighting network. An innocent mix-up on the night of the regional championship match, however, found him trapped in a gay bathhouse in Duluth, robbing him of his chance to prove there was no bum better than him.

All of Bob Scott’s adventures in bum fighting have been collected here.

7. The sidewalk-dancing corporate mascot

© Bob Scott CPA / Via Twitter: @BobScottCPA

After taking a job as Liberty Tax Service’s sidewalk-dancing Statue of Liberty, Bob Scott was lured away by fame and fortune, and given carte blanche by H&R Block to create a brand new dancing mascot. Operating within a budget of $35 (which he mostly spent on a glue gun), he created what he called the “living embodiment of tax preparation.” Coupled with his sidewalk-dancing staples of popping and locking, the Funky Chicken, walking like an Egyptian, Russian squat dancing, and his own creation, the Epileptic Robot, one would think his success would be all but guaranteed. One would be very, very wrong.

Bob Scott’s foray as a sidewalk-dancing corporate mascot has been collected here.

8. Mother’s secrets

© Bob Scott CPA / Via

As a “student of history,” Bob Scott holds no love for Nazis. In fact, he despises them. Imagine, then, his horror discovering that, as a young girl, his mother had befriended Adolf (“that big dick,” in Bob’s words) Hitler. The German dictator gifted her with a baby doll that, unbeknownst to her, would host his soul until the day came that he could be restored to human form. Bob, who had unwittingly sold the doll for a significant sum of money after it haunted his closet, dedicated himself to recovering and destroying it — a mission that led him and his nephew Laverne to infiltrate a cult compound and dramatically end Hitler’s grip on this world once and for all.

9. Framed for attempted murders

© Bob Scott CPA / Via Twitter: @BobScottCPA

The article covers it all. Needless to say, Bob Scott was ultimately cleared of the charges, but to this day lives in ever-constant fear of Harmony Balloons’ inevitable exotic return.

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