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46 Of Harris Wittels' Most Brilliant Tweets

RIP Harris. We miss you.

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Hilarious, prolific comedy writer Harris Wittels died on February 19th at 30 years old. He was a writer-producer on "Parks and Rec," coined the phrase "humblebrag," and was a genius on Twitter. Here are some of his best one-liners—from perfect puns to hilarious observations— in chronological order.

Thank you, Harris. We miss you.


Vampires can't die unless their heart is stopped. But like, same with humans? just havin some fun with thought experiments, i dunno.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) February 13, 2015


How did "colder than a witch's tit" catch on? I mean, that just, it don't make no sense. That dog don't hunt.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) December 20, 2014


That feeling of when you wake up and think it's just another day but then realize OH SHIT Its THROWBACK THURSDAY!!!

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) December 11, 2014


For those doubting the Cosby allegations, the proof is in the puddin' pops.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) November 21, 2014


Cole's Law: Cabbage and mayonnaise is disgusting.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) November 21, 2014


I'll never not be surprised at how far back the vagina is.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) November 18, 2014


I'll never not be surprised at how far back the vagina is.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) November 18, 2014


No matter how bad it gets, we can always be grateful that no one says "zing" anymore.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) November 18, 2014


What's tightest about adulthood: if i open a pack of fruitsnacks and there ain't enuff reds, I can just CHUNK that bitch and open a new one.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) November 18, 2014


There should be a German word for when you don't like someone, but then you hear them open up on a podcast and you gain empathy for them.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) November 13, 2014


Man, this corporate sponsorship is getting outta hand I tell ya. Just the other day, I was offered tickets to a LinkedIn Park concert.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) November 5, 2014


When two people have the same birthday, it's like holy shit. Definitely worth noting and discussing.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) September 20, 2014


I just blew a 0.28. His name was Frank.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) September 8, 2014


Everyone's pinky toe is a disaster.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) August 31, 2014


Waldo asked me to spot him at the gym. Couldn't do it.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) August 10, 2014


Be nice to ALL babies because ya never know -- they could grow up to be hot.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) August 10, 2014


I'll fuck anyone, bro! It's either sexy or funny! Can't lose!

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) July 24, 2014


I looove lettin someone else handle the small talk on an elevator when a new guy gets on. Prob my biggest passion.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) July 21, 2014


Serious question: If you could suck your own dick, would you cum in your mouth? I think I'd try to finish on my tits.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) July 10, 2014


Tired of everyone saying Jews have the biggest dicks. Complimentary stereotypes are still stereotypes. (Tryin to get this goin)

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) July 8, 2014


If conservative idiots consider life to begin at conception, then why do they all celebrate their birthdays as the day they were born?

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) July 2, 2014


I remember as a boy thinking the word memorial sounded delicious, because it reminded me of Oreo in a way. I was in for a RUDE awakening.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) May 27, 2014


I hope Paul George eventually gets to team up with a player named John Ringo. Has this been observed a lot already?

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) May 25, 2014


Not to be "that guy," but sometimes it seems like ALL plutonium is weapons grade!

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) May 21, 2014


Just pirated that Captain Phillips movie. Guess I am the captain now? #olddraft #surewhynot #draftday #costner

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) April 17, 2014


When someone's telling you their phone number, don't go "mmhm" after each set of digits. You'll overlap with the next set & then its a mess.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) February 20, 2014


If you aren't cutting my oatmeal with STEEL, then what the fuck are we doing here??

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) February 18, 2014


Bill Maher the Science Gaher.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) January 27, 2014


My wife converted to Judaism during Batman Begins. It was a real Christian Bail.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) January 24, 2014


I hate smoking sections. Unless we're talking about "The Mask" w/ Jim Carrey, in which case the "smoking" section is my favorite part! #foam

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) January 18, 2014


It's too bad Saving Mr. Banks didn't come out sooner. Uncle Phil may still be with us.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) January 2, 2014


I don't judge your fetish so don't judge mine: animals covered in oil spills.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) December 27, 2013


If a girl tells you her name is Jen, ask her if its short for Jenital. She'll be putty in your hands.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) December 26, 2013


No more texting on elevators. Let's be ready for your floor, people. No more making that surprised "oop" sound. Get in the game.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) December 14, 2013


How much is this stadium gonna cost? Ballpark figure.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) September 10, 2013


Re: popcorn, its weird that such a crunchy food became the staple of movie-watching. Should have been rice or pudding. #justsayin

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) August 26, 2013


If you don't like blowing me, you can suck my dick

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) August 8, 2013


We need a punctuation between the period and the exclamation point. Sometimes I don't wanna commit to a yell, but want a lil sumthin on it.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) June 24, 2013


You all do know the only reason books even exist is because they didn't have TV yet, right?

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) June 5, 2013


It's cool when actors laughingly talk about their old, shitty jobs that many many people currently have.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) May 31, 2013


No more masturbation; If God wants my poppy milk out of me, he'll retrieve it from me in my sleepies. Bless you all.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) May 30, 2013


Hey straight dudes in favor of gay marriage: put your money where your mouth is and marry a dude! (ie. me)

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) March 27, 2013


It'd be funny if two days after a baby was born it said "I wasn't born yesterday!" It's like yea but barely.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) March 17, 2013


Nothing worse than an adult guy super into his birthday.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) March 7, 2013


Hey, if there was a grammy for doing nothing but watching tv and bein snarky YOUD ALL WIN!!!!

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) February 11, 2013


You can shove your fav's up your assholes. Lookin for RT's, guys. This is the big show.

— Harris Wittels (@twittels) February 9, 2013

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